“We do a baked potato bar every year to celebrate the Holiday,” a flustered Pamela Shivers explained to this Modern Philosopher. “Brenda’s Mom has a double oven, so she bakes them for us. Then we all bring in a topping and load up our potatoes.”
Clearly, Miss Shivers had been traumatized by the incident, so I allowed her to ramble a little. “I took my potato from the bucket, and when I peeled away the tinfoil, I saw him looking up at me! I shrieked at the top of my lungs!”
Pamela’s potato was not just any random Maine potato, Modern Philosophers. It was the one and only Mr. Potato Head!
“You expect your potato to have eyes,” she muttered through her tears, “but not ones that used to have the ability to see you, too. I thought it would be an anonymous potato, not one that’s known all over the world!”
Local police were called to the scene, and every potato at the party was checked to make sure it was not a celebrity.
“We are comfortable in saying that Mr. Potato Head was the only murder victim,” a police spokesperson told me later. “We believe the murderer thought that the victim would go unnoticed at a drunken St. Patrick’s Day party, but didn’t realize that the party was a dry one thrown at a place of business. I mean, who’s ever heard of a St. Patrick’s Day party without booze? It’s a little ridiculous.”
According to multiple sources, while Brenda’s mother was the only one to handle the potatoes once the bag had been opened, she did leave the potatoes unattended on numerous occasions, which would have allowed ample opportunity for the killer to sneak the victim in with the others.
“Why in the world would I think I’d need to stand guard over fifty pounds of potatoes?” Brenda’s mother barked at me when I asked her if she felt guilty about allowing the killer to infiltrate the party’s spuds. “I’ll tell you what, though, this is the last time I waste my day baking for my daughter’s employees!”
Mrs. Potato Head was not at home when police went to notify her of her husband’s murder, and the house seemed abandoned. Neighbors claimed to have not seen either of the Potato Heads since Thursday.
If you have any leads as to the whereabouts of Mrs. Potato Head, or information about the murder of Mr. Potato Head, authorities ask that you call the toll free hotline set up for this case: (800) POTATO DEAD.
What a sad world we live in, Modern Philosophers, when even murder cannot take a Holiday. Hopefully, those poor folks who had their party ruined found another way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.
RIP, Mr. Potato Head. May the Angels watch over you in Potato Heaven!