Mrs. Potato Head Charged With Murder!

potatoesMrs. Potato Head was arrested by Maine authorities earlier today when she tried to sneak across the border into Canada.

As first reported on this blog, the female half of the famous couple depicted in happier times on the left, was wanted for questioning in the grisly murder of her better half.

Mr. Potato Head was found baked to death at an office St. Patrick’s Day party.

Last night, investigators determined that there was enough evidence to issue a warrant for Mrs. Potato Head’s arrest.  A statewide search, which had begun over the weekend, was intensified.

The suspect was discovered hiding in a grocery bag in the back of a Milford couple’s Subaru at a border crossing in Northern Maine.

“We had no idea she was back there,” insisted Marlene Davis, the driver.  “She must have snuck into the car when we stopped at the rest stop.  We are not a part of this!”

Customs Agents On The New York And Canada BorderMaine State Police questioned Miss Davis and her companion for some time, and eventually released them.  “The suspect  admitted that the people in the car didn’t know she was there.  She hopped into the vehicle at a rest stop and buried herself in a shopping bag full of groceries.”

How did the authorities know that Mrs. Potato Head was in the bag?  “She sneezed,” Captain Duane Pommkowski of the Maine State Police explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “Apparently, she is allergic to cauliflower and there was a lot of that in the grocery bag.”

Was it bad luck that led to the arrest, or did the fates intervene to ensure that the murder suspect didn’t flee into America’s attic and disappear amongst the hockey loving masses?

We will probably never know the answer to that one, Modern Philosophers.  What we can find out, however, is whether Mrs. Potato Head killed her husband.

Mrs. PotatoSo, did she do it?  “Yes, I killed my husband!” Mrs. Potato Head surprisingly confessed when I posed the question.  “But it was justifiable homicide.”

I asked her to elaborate on her answer, praying that she could get out her answer before a lawyer arrived to tell her to stop talking.

“You don’t understand what it was like to be married to that monster,” she wailed as tears flowed from her giant eyes.  “Sure, he was a darling at first.  We were madly in love when we got married, but over time, his eyes wandered.  Not just the big plastic ones, but all the eyes on that horny potato!”

“He had fame, fortune, and me, but obviously I wasn’t enough,” she continued as I offered her the sleeve of my toga to wipe her red, crying eyes.  “There were so many women.  And there were other potatoes.  And when he got kinky, there were other vegetables like carrots, sweet potatoes, and turnips.  Near the end, when he was totally out of control, he had a thing for pumpkins…big, fat, round ones!”

This did not sound like the Mr. Potato Head I’d known since my childhood.  His wife, however, who knew him better than anyone else (except maybe, for some voluptuous pumpkins…) insisted that he had changed.

“Fame and fortune bring vices.  The potato I fell in love with had an occasional spritzer with dinner.   At the end, he was an alcoholic, who came home as a smashed potato more often than not.  When he wasn’t smashed, he was baked.  He tried to tell me it was chives the first time I found a bag of it, but we both knew what it really was.  After that, he didn’t try to hide it from me.”

Mrs. Potato Head said that the drinking and drugging led to verbal abuse.  “He never laid a hand on me, but his words hit me harder than those skinny plastic arms ever could,” she told me with a pained sigh.  “One night, he really lit into me.  I’d done up my make up, put on some hair, and was planning a night out with my girlfriends.  He took one look at me and screamed, ‘Why you gotta get all Au Gratin like that?  Ya look like a dirty, stinking whore!  I should boil that filth right off ya!”

New Toy Story toy. Mr Potato Head.According to Mrs. Potato Head, that was when she knew she had to do something before her husband boiled her, mashed her, and served her at a local diner.  She waited for him to pass out, wrapped him in tinfoil, and slipped him into a bag of potatoes at her neighbor’s.

“I knew she was baking 50lbs of potatoes for her daughter’s St. Patrick’s Day Party.  How could I pass on an opportunity like that?”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Do you believe Mrs. Potato Head  was justified in her actions?  Should talking vegetables be subjected to the same laws as humans?  Can you believe anyone in her right mind would want to flee to Canada?

This post is dedicated to The Girl Who Is Stressed About Her Boards.  I know my dorky humor always makes you smile, so I figured you could use this ridiculous post to brighten your day!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Mrs. Potato Head Charged With Murder!

  1. Outrageous. Hilarious. Imaginative. What a great read and a laugh and a half. 🙂

  2. Teela Hart says:

    Ha…….he should never have been veggin out.
    Ridiculous or not……laugh my ass off funny. 🙂

  3. Jet Eliot says:

    “…found baked to death….” Hilarious story!

  4. ronileigh1 says:

    omg this really is the best thing I’ve ever seen

  5. ksbeth says:

    make her into hash browns!

  6. I don’t know about “the girl”, but this brought a laugh out loud from me!! Genius!!! Sly Mrs. Potatoe Head should watch out though…….someone might dig her eyes out, chop up her head and bury her in the dirt amongst the veggies……….like one of those grieving voluptuous pumpkins. 🙂

  7. This just in: Lays has offered to represent Mrs. Potato Head in trial.

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