My sources in The White House tell me that the President is very high on a plan that involves sending an army of Maine Zombies into the region to slow down the advancement of Russian troops.
“The President and First Lady were watching The Walking Dead on Sunday night, when the President jumped up off the couch and announced that he needed to meet with his senior military advisers immediately,” one highly placed source informed this Modern Philosopher. “Luckily, Mrs. Obama had set up the DVR to record the episode, so the President was able to see how it ended.”
Another White House source has confirmed that it was at this subsequent meeting that the Commander in Chief shared his Zombie Army plan. “He basically recapped the plot of The Walking Dead for anyone who didn’t watch the show. Then he launched into a passionate speech about how Ukraine was like the world on the show, and the Russians were the slowly advancing plague looking to destroy the innocent. It was really quite moving.”
He suggested flying Maine Zombies into the Crimean region and allowing them to slow down the advancement of Russian troops.
“They’re already dead, so we wouldn’t have to worry about any further loss of American life,” the President is quoted as saying. “And if they bite some Russian soldiers along the way, then so be it. That just adds more Zombies to the fight, and will hopefully scare some sense into the Russkies.”
I am told, Modern Philosophers, that this plan is gaining a lot of steam, but still faces some opposition from the United Nations. UN officials are worried about what might happen if the Zombies stray from the area and infect other parts of the region.
“Right now, a huge ocean separates Europe and Asia from Maine’s Zombie problem,” a UN spokesman told this Modern Philosopher. “If we willingly import Zombies to that part of the world, aren’t we just asking for trouble? We watch The Walking Dead in Europe, too.”
He does have a point, Modern Philosophers. There is also worry about how the Zombies would do on the long flight to Ukraine. “What if they got loose on the plane and infected the crew? Zombies can’t fly, and that plane could come down in any unsuspecting town.”
Somehow, word of President Obama’s Zombie Army plan made its way to Vladimir Putin. The Russian President had this to say: “Bring on Zombies. I shoot them all in head myself. Long live Mother Russia!”
Putin then laughed manically, tore off his shirt, and ran out to catch his lunch with his bare hands.
Here in Maine, people are excited about President Obama’s plan. “It’s heartbreaking to see our troops coming back from overseas with so many injuries,” said Margie Arsenault, a troop greeter at Bangor International Airport. “If we send Zombies to fight this battle, we won’t put our men and women in harm’s way. Plus, we’ll be getting rid of those damn annoying Zombies.”
The White House expects to make an announcement soon, and President Obama has promised that any address on his part will not interrupt this Sunday’s episode of The Walking Dead.
Stayed tuned, Modern Philosophers…