President Obama Considers Sending Zombie Army To Ukraine

Zombie GroupAs tensions heighten in Ukraine, President Obama is considering every available option before he will even think about sending American troops to the area.

My sources in The White House tell me that the President is very high on a plan that involves sending an army of Maine Zombies into the region to slow down the advancement of Russian troops.

“The President and First Lady were watching The Walking Dead on Sunday night, when the President jumped up off the couch and announced that he needed to meet with his senior military advisers immediately,” one highly placed source informed this Modern Philosopher.  “Luckily, Mrs. Obama had set up the DVR to record the episode, so the President was able to see how it ended.”

Another White House source has confirmed that it was at this subsequent meeting that the Commander in Chief shared his Zombie Army plan.  “He basically recapped the plot of The Walking Dead for anyone who didn’t watch the show.  Then he launched into a passionate speech about how Ukraine was like the world on the show, and the Russians were the slowly advancing plague looking to destroy the innocent.  It was really quite moving.”

Barak Obama-United States-PoliticsAs for his plan, President Obama pointed out that whenever a herd of Zombies arrived on the scene, everything stopped until they were dispatched by the characters.

He suggested flying Maine Zombies into the Crimean region and allowing them to slow down the advancement of Russian troops.

“They’re already dead, so we wouldn’t have to worry about any further loss of American life,” the President is quoted as saying.  “And if they bite some Russian soldiers along the way, then so be it.  That just adds more Zombies to the fight, and will hopefully scare some sense into the Russkies.”

I am told, Modern Philosophers, that this plan is gaining a lot of steam, but still faces some opposition from the United Nations.  UN officials are worried about what might happen if the Zombies stray from the area and infect other parts of the region.

“Right now, a huge ocean separates Europe and Asia from Maine’s Zombie problem,” a UN spokesman told this Modern Philosopher.  “If we willingly import Zombies to that part of the world, aren’t we just asking for trouble?  We watch The Walking Dead in Europe, too.”

He does have a point, Modern Philosophers.  There is also worry about how the Zombies would do on the long flight to Ukraine.  “What if they got loose on the plane and infected the crew?  Zombies can’t fly, and that plane could come down in any unsuspecting town.”

PutinSomehow, word of President Obama’s Zombie Army plan made its way to Vladimir Putin.  The Russian President had this to say: “Bring on Zombies.  I shoot them all in head myself.  Long live Mother Russia!”

Putin then laughed manically, tore off his shirt, and ran out to catch his lunch with his bare hands.

Here in Maine, people are excited about President Obama’s plan.  “It’s heartbreaking to see our troops coming back from overseas with so many injuries,” said Margie Arsenault, a troop greeter at Bangor International Airport.  “If we send Zombies to fight this battle, we won’t put our men and women in harm’s way.  Plus, we’ll be getting rid of those damn annoying Zombies.”

The White House expects to make an announcement soon, and President Obama has promised that any address on his part will not interrupt this Sunday’s episode of The Walking Dead.

Stayed tuned, Modern Philosophers…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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12 Responses to President Obama Considers Sending Zombie Army To Ukraine

  1. floridaborne says:

    All he has to do is go to a Wal-Mart on any Saturday and there are plenty of zombies to choose from. 🙂

    Funny thing about Crimea is that most of the people there want to be part of Russia. It thought that was crazy at first. And Russia pays millions to have a base there that has been in existence since the Soviet Union. It’s different that our base at Guantanamo because the people of Crimea speak the same language. I don’t think they’ll like having all our Wal-Mart zombies dumped into their country. ::-)

    • Austin says:

      Well, it’s not up to us. The President gets paid the big bucks to make those decisions…

      • floridaborne says:

        Actually, it’s not up to the president to declare war. I just don’t want to see the zombies elect their own president and vote to wage the apocalypse on us. 🙂

      • Austin says:

        I think the Constitution does allow the President to declare Zombie War. Our forefathers were real visionaries and knew the day would come when Zombies would be used to defend this great nation…

      • floridaborne says:

        You might want to read the non-zombie edition of the constitution again. The executive, judicial, and congressional branches have 3 distinct duties. The zombie president would take all 3 onto him or herself. That would be quite dangerous. 🙂

      • Austin says:

        Didn’t you see that movie where Nicholas Cage discovered the secret Zombie Constitution? What an awesome flick. He is an amazing actor…

      • floridaborne says:

        Oh, I remember that one. He was looking for treasure. I keep mixing that on up with the one when the governments of the world built ships, the world was in the midst of chaos, but all the cell phones still worked. 🙂

      • Austin says:

        All of Nic Cage’s films are similar. It’s easy to let them all bleed into one big, confusing flick in your memory. 🙂

  2. List of X says:

    Well, I heard the Putin is proposing to annex Maine to protect the rights of Russian-speaking zombies of Maine.

  3. kriskkaria says:

    Hey Austin, funny story! Sage News, is looking for contributors and you write such great satire, I wanted to let you know. I’m going to write for the website, if I can figure out satire.

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