All Hallows Society Votes To Continue Maine’s Ban On Clowns

The All Hallows Society, the Ultra Secret and Extremely Powerful Organization that polices the affairs of Otherworldly Beings in Maine, today voted unanimously to continue the state’s ban on clowns.

This decision to move forward with the anti-clown crusade comes at a time when some Mainers believed that it might finally be time to lift the nearly 30 year old ban.

And it very well might have happened if not for a recent incident on I-95.

“Our officers pulled over a Volkswagen Beetle that was speeding and swerving recklessly near the New Hampshire border,” Maine State Police spokesman James Roolbuk explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “When the officers heard strange noises coming from the vehicle, they asked the passengers to step out onto the shoulder.”

According to the official report, 35 clowns emerged from the car.  Fat clowns, skinny clowns, males, females, tall, and short.  So many clowns.  The report goes on to say that none of them would speak, and they only communicated by honking horns, spraying seltzer, or tossing confetti.

“They made a mess of the interstate with their damn confetti!” Roolbuk continued.  “They also made a mockery of the law.  There’s no way there were 35 sets of seat belts in that tiny car.  None of them would say where they were headed, but we did find a map of Bangor in the front seat with Stephen King’s block circled in red ink.”

And there lies the problem, Modern Philosophers.  Ever since my neighbor Steve wrote It, his frightening novel about a clown who shall not be named on this blog, evil clowns have been seeking refuge in Maine.

The All Hallows Society realized that these clowns were a threat not only to the way Otherworldly Beings were perceived by Mainers, but also to sanity, a good night’s sleep, and life in general.

Since there was no easy way to distinguish an evil clown from a harmless clown, all clowns were banned from Maine.  No exceptions.  This is why Mayor McCheese, and not Ronald, is the symbol of McDonald’s in Maine.

“Sure, it caused some problems when the circus came to town, but ultimately, they would agree to leave the clowns behind,” explained Maine Historian, Dr. Wilford Crump.  “Kids would see a clown on TV and beg their parents to let them have one at their birthday parties, but moms and dads stood strong.  Children got the “Clown Talk” at an early age, and that sometimes included sitting through a portion of the movie based on King’s novel.  After that, there would be no more talk of clown birthday parties.”

Over the years, the anti-clown sentiment has soften.  The best example of this is the election of Paul LePage as Maine’s Governor.  The argument became: If a clown can run the state, why can’t clowns run around in the state?

The All Hallows Society issued a tersely worded statement that made it clear that while Governor LePage exhibited all the qualities of a clown, the fact that he conducted himself devoid of clown makeup and costume meant he was not subject to the state’s clown ban.

The usually verbose LePage issued a two word reply: “Thank you”.  He has never interfered will the decision to uphold the ban, and always avoids questions about it.  Clearly, the man is smart enough to know not to mess with the group that really runs this state.

After the 35 clowns were escorted back across the state line into New Hampshire, Mainers made it clear that they wanted protection from any future clown invasions.  Check points have been set up near the border, all suspicious seltzer, paper shredder, and oversize shoe purchases are investigated, and mandatory readings of It have begun at all Maine schools to remind children of the dangers of clowns.

Tonight, The All Hallows Society made it official.  There will be no clowns in Maine in the foreseeable future.

And now you know why I never write about clowns on this blog.