Heard Any Good Jokes Lately? Seriously…

timeI’ve got to keep this one short, Modern Philosophers, because I’m on a deadline.

We tape three episodes of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman on Wednesday, and I need to crank out some monologue jokes over the next two nights.  Usually, Danny gives us more time to write the funny, but he didn’t get us the topic lists until this morning.

Nothing like a race against the clock to make a guy feel really hilarious, am I right?

Actually, I usually work much better under pressure.  I was definitely annoyed this morning at the late email from the show’s host because I’d had a pretty boring weekend, and could’ve put in long hours trying to make him sound like the funniest guy on TV.

Now he’s just going to have to settle for mildly amusing unless, of course, the Snapple kicks in and inspiration hits.  I plan to watch The Walking Dead with dinner, and that show always tickles my funny bone, so there’s hope.

Truth be told, I’ve been jotting down snippets of jokes all day, and I hope to be able to turn all my scribbled notes into something worthy of late night television.  Of course, that magic process will have to wait until I heat up some leftover pizza (the fuel of writing champions!) and get in some quality Zombie time.  Even Modern Philosophers need to unwind a little from the work day before they shift gears and churn out the hilarity.

nite logoIf any of my Maine followers are free Wednesday night, I’d love to see you at the taping.  It starts at 6pm and they do serve drinks at the theater.  We can find out together if any of my jokes made it on to the air.  If you need information about the taping, just let me know.

Wish me luck.  The fate of late night television in Maine might very well (not likely) depend on it!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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42 Responses to Heard Any Good Jokes Lately? Seriously…

  1. Here’s a good one:

    Once upon a time…

    There was a young handsome Indian Brave. He lived on the shores of a very large lake infested with man-eating crocodiles. On the other side of the lake was a beautiful Indian Princess. The Brave and the Princess saw each other every day and soon fell in love. However, because of the carnivorous reptilians in the lake that separated them, their love went unrequited. Finally the Indian Brave could no longer bear being apart from his true love, so he began the long, dangerous swim across the lake to be with his beloved Indian Princess.

    Alas, it was not to be….the Handsome Young Brave was eaten by the crocodiles before he could complete his Journey of Love.

    However, to this very day, that lake carries the name of this young man…..

    …Lake Stupid.

    The End.

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    I have faith in you, Austin! You have to have a special sense of humor to eat barbecue ribs or chicken drumsticks while watching The Walking Dead. Look at Hannibal Lector — He’s hilarious! Or at least a cut-up…

    Good luck, man 😉

  3. List of X says:

    I could help out, if you’d like. If interested, e-mail me the topics.

  4. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

    Wocka Wocka Wocka!

  5. toris23 says:

    Why are peppers so annoying?
    ..because they’re jalepeño business!

  6. markbialczak says:

    I know you are doing well with this gig, Austin, because here you have written “we tape three episodes …” Mentally, you know you are in! You will turn brilliantly funny before the deadline. I have faith.

  7. floridaborne says:

    All the jokes I know wouldn’t go over with a Maine audience. I mean, who in Maine would get it when I say that the way you can tell a northerner is moving in because he buys a small lot, cuts down all the trees, builds a house with small windows and complains about his A/C bill in the summer. Who is going to understand why that’s funny to a Floridian? And people in Maine wouldn’t understand why we laugh at the snowbirds who fly down to Florida for 6 months, decide to retire here, and scream the first time they see a palmetto bug (a 3 – 4 inch long roach). Really, after a summer in Florida, a notherner either sweat out all his fat running from the roaches and lizards or spends all his money on exterminators.

    Sorry I couldn’t Jump Start your funny bone.

  8. Teela Hart says:

    I have no doubt in my military mind that you will take this hill; now lock and load!!!

  9. susielindau says:

    Good luck! May the walking dead inspire….

  10. You must work the, Gwyneth Paltrow – “conscious uncoupling” phrase in one of your jokes somehow! 🙂

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