While rumors have swirled that Woods would not compete in next week’s Major because of back issues, the greatest golfer of his generation, if not all time, proved today that he will be ready to make another run at the Green Jacket.
Tiger needed only 25 strokes to complete the Dead Man’s Chest Course at Blackbeard’s Mini Golf in Bangor. In what can only be described as the finest display of putting ever seen in Maine, Woods racked up a mind boggling 17 holes in one!
The only blemish to Woods’ scorecard came at the 16th hole, otherwise known as Blackbeard’s Haunted Windmill. It took Woods, who has won 14 Majors during his illustrious career, 8 strokes to finally conquer that infamous hole.
Joey St. Pierre, a University of Maine Sophomore, who works in the snack shack at Blackbeard’s, was recruited by Woods to be his caddy for the afternoon. Joey was nice enough to grant an exclusive interview to this Modern Philosopher.
“It was wicked crazy,” Joey said excitedly. “I’m standing there filling up the ice machine and in walks Tiger Woods. It nearly blew my mind. What’s the world’s greatest golfer doing in Bangor, Maine?”
“He ordered a hot dog and then asked me if I’d be available to caddy for him. Me caddying for Tiger Woods. Are you insane?”
Joey explained that Blackbeard’s didn’t usually offer a caddying service, but once Woods pulled out a bankroll thicker than the head of a driver, that policy changed. “He said he needed someone who really knew the course because this round was going to determine if he was going to compete in The Masters next week. I told Wendy to watch the counter and then followed Tiger outside.”
Unlike your typical mini golf player who strolls the course armed only with a putter, a colored ball, and a tiny pencil, Woods approached this round like any other in his career. “He made me lug his regular golf bag all around even though he just needed the putter. I didn’t care, though, because he promised me two thousand dollars.”
What color ball did Woods choose for his battle with the Dead Man’s Chest Course? “Red, dude. Just like his lucky shirt.”
Since it was early afternoon on a Tuesday, there was no one else to witness Woods’ historic round, but Joey St. Pierre will never forget it. “He was so focused. I’ve never seen such concentration at Blackbeard’s before,” Joey gushed. “He studied every hole, had me tell him everything I knew about it, and he played it like it was the final round at The Masters.”
So what the hell happened on 16? Joey chuckled. “That windmill gives everyone fits. The little door the ball needs to go through is so small, and the windmill blades change speeds because there’s something wrong with the motor. Clearly, if Tiger Woods needed 8 strokes, it’s a challenging hole.”
Tiger thanked Joey and then handed him his autographed scorecard and $2,500. “He threw in an extra $500 because he said my knowledge of the course made him a better golfer. How awesome is that. Tiger Woods is the man!”
And that’s what happened in my neck of the woods (woods…get it?) today, Modern Philosophers. Hope you all had an exciting April Fool’s Day!