Maine National Guard Forcibly Removes Snow Miser From State

Snow SoldiersAfter Mainers woke up this morning to find their state covered in snow, Governor Paul LePage ordered the Maine National Guard to locate Snow Miser and remove him from the Pine Tree State.

“Governor LePage decided that the good people of Maine had suffered enough this Winter, and it was time to take drastic steps to force Snow Miser from our borders,” was the story a LePage spokesperson tried to pass off to the assembled media.

No one, including this Modern Philosophers, was buying that story.  More on that later.  Let’s shift the focus back onto Maine’s newest heroes.

The Guard Unit, dubbed Snow Team 6 for the mission, used intel provided by Alien aircraft in the area.  “Our Alien friends quickly located the subject’s lack of a heat signature with their advanced technology,” Colonel Jerome “Big Jerry” Michaud explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “My men used that information to corner the target and his associates in Bar Harbor.”

Snow MiserWitnesses reported that the snow suddenly came down with blizzard-like ferocity and that winds increased to near gale force at around 10:00 in Bar Harbor.

“That was Snow Miser’s last stand,” Colonel Michaud stated proudly.  “He threw everything he had at us, but my men are Mainers.  There was nothing the subject could do that would deter us.  He only prolonged the inevitable.”

As crowds cheered, Snow Miser, Maine’s Public Enemy Number One this Winter, was led down Maine Street in handcuffs and a special touch added by Snow Team 6: a sun bonnet.

By noon, Snow Miser was well across the Maine border and warned that there would be serious consequences should he return before November 1.

The sun made an appearance, and soon there was no sign whatsoever of the morning snow.  Shortly thereafter, Governor LePage’s people made sure we knew that the Governor had given the order to banish Winter for good.

But had he?  Any Mainer will tell you that the Governor is not a man of action unless it’s to do something to piss off his constituents.  So why the sudden call to action?  Was it a calculated move to win back voters?

All Hallow's“This wasn’t LePage,” a highly placed source in the Otherworldly Being Community told this Modern Philosopher.  “The All Hallows Society made the call.  They had to allow the Governor to take credit for legal reasons.”

The All Hallows Society is Maine’s powerful,  mysterious, and totally anonymous organization that oversees anything associated with Otherworldly Beings.  Some say that the group actually runs Maine, and the Governor is only a figurehead.

Because only the Governor or the President can mobilize the National Guard, the All Hallows Society remained in the shadows, as usual, and pulled the strings necessary to make their LePage puppet dance.

Why would the mysterious leaders in the scary hooded robes care about a little Spring Snow?  “Easter is this weekend,” my source explained.  “The Easter Bunny was not thrilled with the idea of hopping down Maine’s Bunny Trail if it was covered in snow and slush.  He made one call, and the All Hallows Society sprung into action.”

bunnyThat’s the way it should be, Modern Philosophers.  We can’t have the Easter Bunny getting injured or being delayed by Winter weather, can we?

Since he starts his deliveries in Maine and works his way across the country, any trouble the Easter Bunny encountered here could mean no Easter Baskets or Easter Eggs for children in the other forty-nine states.

Snow Miser had long overstayed his welcome, regardless, so I am grateful that a group like the All Hallows Society exists to deal with such a menace.

Hopefully, it’s all sunshine and warmth from here!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to Maine National Guard Forcibly Removes Snow Miser From State

  1. markbialczak says:

    Yes, Syracuse’s Snow Miser, the equally dastardly cousin from a different mother storm to Maine’s villain, got drunk and stubborn and wouldn’t leave the region until Jim Boeheim himself gave him the boot this afternoon, Austin.

  2. ksbeth says:

    he stopped by michigan on his way out, and left some cold stuff behind, but we’ve told him to move along and he seems to be listening.

  3. Teela Hart says:

    There was a definite chill in the air as he barreled your way, I’m glad he was busted! I suspect he had an all out meltdown!

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