Over two million Americans participated in the survey which was conducted from December through February.
“It’s amazing how willing Americans are to take a telephone poll during a long, harsh Winter,” Dr. Horace Pledjowicz, The Deputy Director of DUST, explained to this Modern Philosopher. “Statistics do show that participation in phone polling increases by 47% on days when the weather is harsh and forces people to stay indoors.”
What exactly was the reason behind this study? What were researchers hoping to learn?
“Essentially, the Federal Government allots several millions of dollars to our department annually,” Dr. Pledjowicz informed me. “If we don’t publish reports and findings every few months, and make sure to print up numerous color charts and graphs in those reports, we risk losing our funding. The 9 out of 10 report was something we came up with about fifteen years ago when we had absolutely nothing else to do. That first report was a huge success, so we’ve made it a regular part of the rotation.”
“Did you know that 83% of Americans believe they pay too much in taxes?” Dr. Pledjowicz countered. “That’s down from 89% last year, which was the highest it’s ever been in the history of that poll.”
So absolutely nothing useful came out of this study? The results don’t offer any insight into American society, social structure, the human psyche, or anything at all helpful?
“Don’t be so quick to jump to assumptions,” he advised me. “Did you know that 36% of Americans describe themselves as impulsive, while 56% said they wished they could be less presumptuous?”
The good doctor could see from my reaction that I did not care about the random facts he was tossing at me, so he decided to answer my question. “The 9 out of 10 poll shows us how Americans’ thinking changes over time. Last year, 9 out of 10 people thought the 10th person was standoffish. That tells us that Americans had a class problem, that they questioned how they were seen by others, and that self confidence was flagging.”
“Five years ago, 9 out of 10 people thought the 1oth person was French,” he told me with a chuckle. “This was probably my favorite of all the outcomes. That year, Americans were cocky, confident, patriotic, slightly douchey, and believed that the economy was heading upward.”
“In 2001, 9 out of 10 people thought the 10th person was a terrorist. That was after the 9/11 attacks, and it told us Americans were scared, vigilant, hurting, revenge minded, ready to fight, and looking for a fall guy. In my opinion, that year’s survey was the most spot on.”
How did Dr. Pledjowicz analyze this year’s result? “It’s too early for my to reveal that information, Austin,” he told me with a pleasant smile. “My department will need to study the study, and we will present our findings in November.”
100% of the Modern Philosophers surveyed think that DUST is a waste of time, but would also be interested in getting a job there. What do you guys think?