9 Out Of 10 People Believe The 10th To Be A Total Weirdo

brainA new study released today by the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST) revealed that 9 out of 10 people believe the 10th to be a total weirdo, Modern Philosophers.

Over two million Americans participated in the survey which was conducted from December through February.

“It’s amazing how willing Americans are to take a telephone poll during a long, harsh Winter,” Dr. Horace Pledjowicz, The Deputy Director of DUST, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “Statistics do show that participation in phone polling increases by 47% on days when the weather is harsh and forces people to stay indoors.”

What exactly was the reason behind this study?  What were researchers hoping to learn?

“Essentially, the Federal Government allots several millions of dollars to our department annually,” Dr. Pledjowicz informed me.  “If we don’t publish reports and findings every few months, and make sure to print up numerous color charts and graphs in those reports, we risk losing our funding.  The 9 out of 10 report was something we came up with about fifteen years ago when we had absolutely nothing else to do.  That first report was a huge success, so we’ve made it a regular part of the rotation.”

StatisticsSo our tax dollars are paying for ridiculous surveys and studies that no one specifically commissioned?

“Did you know that 83% of Americans believe they pay too much in taxes?” Dr. Pledjowicz countered.  “That’s down from 89% last year, which was the highest it’s ever been in the history of that poll.”

So absolutely nothing useful came out of this study?  The results don’t offer any insight into American society, social structure, the human psyche, or anything at all helpful?

“Don’t be so quick to jump to assumptions,” he advised me.  “Did you know that 36% of Americans describe themselves as impulsive, while 56% said they wished they could be less presumptuous?”

The good doctor could see from my reaction that I did not care about the random facts he was tossing at me, so he decided to answer my question.  “The 9 out of 10 poll shows us how Americans’ thinking changes over time.  Last year, 9 out of 10 people thought the 10th person was standoffish.  That tells us that Americans had a class problem, that they questioned how they were seen by others, and that self confidence was flagging.”

9 out of 10“Five years ago, 9 out of 10 people thought the 1oth person was French,” he told me with a chuckle.  “This was probably my favorite of all the outcomes.  That year, Americans were cocky, confident, patriotic, slightly douchey, and believed that the economy was heading upward.”

“In 2001, 9 out of 10 people thought the 10th person was a terrorist.  That was after the 9/11 attacks, and it told us Americans were scared, vigilant, hurting, revenge minded, ready to fight, and looking for a fall guy.  In my opinion, that year’s survey was the most spot on.”

How did Dr. Pledjowicz analyze this year’s result?  “It’s too early for my to reveal that information, Austin,” he told me with a pleasant smile.  “My department will need to study the study, and we will present our findings in November.”

100% of the Modern Philosophers surveyed think that DUST is a waste of time, but would also be interested in getting a job there.  What do you guys think?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to 9 Out Of 10 People Believe The 10th To Be A Total Weirdo

  1. floridaborne says:

    Ah, DUST in the WIND (Wildly Inflated Numbers & Data) 🙂

  2. This post is absolutely brilliant (according to the 10th person, maybe the other 9 will agree and we’ll reach the mythical 10 out of 10 people… think you’re a genius)!

  3. Bill Carson says:

    I happen to work for DUST, and I can tell you that 10 out of 9 people get all mixed up when dealing with statistics.

  4. hollie says:

    “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.” Love this!

  5. Study the study, indeed! How many people out and out make it up as they go along? Survey says: true.

  6. I responded to an email sent to the department (are these misplaced images yours?) with a response to the masses (It’s mine. I’m a dufus.) So I’m the 10th!!

  7. DUST sounds like a cool place to work. Making up studies that make no sense is the perfect job.

  8. idiotprufs says:

    So did I until I found out I was the tenth person.

  9. Reblogged this on An Upturned Soul and commented:
    This 10th person believes that this post is brilliant, the writer is a genius and his blog is worth stalking (following internet style).

    Think I’m a weirdo? Everyone is a weirdo… check it out for yourself, make your own stats up!

    Thank you for sharing!

    (this reblog required extra effort on my part as I kept missing out vowels in words… why did you feel the need to include this irrelevant piece of information? Data… it might be important to no one anywhere)

  10. Kim Saeed says:

    Now I get it…all my life, I’ve been that “10th person”. I’m canceling my therapy appointments.

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