HazMat Team Evacuates Maine School After Atomic Wedgie

Bangor’s Stephen King Middle School had to be evacuated, and a HazMat Team called to the scene, after a small gang of sixth graders unleashed an Atomic Wedgie on a helpless fourth grader.

Due to the ages of those involved, names cannot be released, but this Modern Philosopher has been assured that disciplinary measures will be taken against those responsible.

“I don’t think these kids have any idea of the danger they put themselves, their victim, the rest of the school, and the entire neighborhood in with this bit of tomfoolery!” exclaimed Thomas Murch, a spokesperson for the HazMat Team.  “Anytime you’re dealing with something Atomic, the stakes are exponentially higher.”

According to authorities, a school official walked in on the administering of the Atomic Wedgie, and was able to cut the process short.

“That saved countless lives,” Murch assured this Modern Philosopher.  “If that quick thinking teacher hadn’t walked in when he did, there would be a mushroom cloud where this school once stood.”

Radiation tests are still being conducted not only in the school, but also in the surrounding area.  “It was a windy day,” Murch reminded me.  “We can’t assume the Atomic particles remained within the confines of the building.”

The Emergency Departments at both Eastern Maine Medical Center and St. Joseph Hospital were on standby, awaiting the transport of any victims from the Atomic Wedgie fallout.  Thus far, the only patients from the school have been those with minor ailments.

Government officials will remain in the area, however, and monitor the situation.  “At this point, we see no reason to declare Bangor a disaster area,” the man from HazMat told me.  “That could change at any minute, though.  All because a few dumb kids wanted to flex their muscles and prove they were the strongest ones in the schoolyard…”

Stephen King could not be reached for comment, but a family friend told me that the reclusive author would most likely find a way to turn this unfortunate incident at the school named in his honor, into another bestselling novel.

As for this Modern Philosopher, I am going to remain safely on my side of the river, and hope the wind does not blow in the direction of The House on the Hill.

I’d hate to wrinkle my toga by having to stuff it into a HazMat suit…