“You’re being too kind by calling them female cat enthusiasts,” snarled Gary Lincoln, the leader of Maine’s largest Werewolf pack. “They’ve each got at least a dozen cats, they’re single, and they smell like cat urine…they’re Cat Ladies. Call them by their proper name!”
It’s understandable why Gary is so upset, and his wild pacing across the hardwood floors of The House on the Hill made me very grateful that there was not a full moon. I could only imagine the damage his Werewolf claws would have done to my floors.
These Cat Ladies, as Gary insists I call them, want a law requiring Maine Werewolves to be on leashes whenever they are outside of their homes.
“First off, Maine is our home, and we are free to roam and howl at the moon as we please!” Gary growled to this Modern Philosopher. “Secondly, do they have any idea how offensive their request is? Werewolves are not common pets, who need to be kept on a tether because they can’t be trusted to not crap on a lawn, or run off with a neighbor’s slipper. We’re regal beasts of the night, and can be trusted to act accordingly.”
To support Gary’s point, I submit that there has not been a single report of a Werewolf attack in Maine in over 25 years. Nor has anyone accused a Werewolf of running off with any manner or footwear, or defecating on a front lawn.
“Where do these crazy Cat Ladies get off making this request?” Gary howled before punching the wall. “No Werewolf has done a Mainer harm in ages. I’m sure there have been incidents of cat scratches and bites, though. Maybe we should put those monsters on a chain and see how they like it!”
In reviewing the Cat Ladies’ proposal, I discovered that they listed cat safety as their main concern. Gary was not amused.
“Werewolves wouldn’t waste their time on cats,” my guest explained as he stared out at the night sky longingly, as if wishing the full moon were out there. “We don’t like them, they’re feisty and spoiled, they are always hacking up hairballs, and they don’t taste good.”
I stared at Gary in disbelief, until he turned to me and smiled. “I threw in that last one to lighten the mood. Cats happen to be quite delicious.”
“I’m sure these ladies are only worried about the safety of their little fur balls, but they need to understand that I have to look out for the welfare of a pack of giant fur balls,” Gary explained with a sigh. “We’ve come too far to be shackled and treated like savages. We will fight this and we will win.”
I had no doubt that Maine’s Werewolves would come out on the winning side of this battle. Not only were Werewolves more popular than ever in Maine, but there are also many Werewolves in positions of authority in this state. There is no way a Werewolf leash law would get the votes needed to be passed.
So, relax, all you Werewolves and Werewolf enthusiasts out there. No one is going to put a Maine Werewolf on a leash any time in the near future…