Maine Town Bans Dancing; No One Gets All “Kevin Bacon” About It

bacon timeBeaumont, a small town in Western Maine, recently banned dancing for all residents under the age of 18.

Since it was a slow day, and the interns were willing to drive, I decided to investigate.

The first thing that struck me about Beaumont was how quiet it was.  From the moment we passed the sign informing us that we had entered town, right up until the moment we parked in front of a diner on Main St, we did not see a single soul or hear a sound.

“Maybe everyone’s dead,” one of the interns guessed.  “This town isn’t too far from the Western Woods, and that place is overrun with Zombies.”

He had a point, but I didn’t think he was correct.  I told the interns to wait in the car while I ran into the diner to make sure someone in Beaumont had a pulse.

To my surprise, I found the diner packed with high school kids, but still deathly quiet.  They were packed into the booths and seated at tables.  There was food and drink in front of many of them, but those items went ignored.

All they seemed to care about were the various electronic devices in their hands.  Every teenager in the joint was so deeply engrossed in some form of technology that I could’ve been standing there on fire and waving a bloody axe over my head, and none of them would have even noticed.

no dancing“Have a seat, Sugar, if you can find one,” the smiling waitress advised when he emerged from the kitchen.  “They’re not going to be moving until their batteries die, or their parents text them to come home for dinner.”

I found a seat at the end of the counter, next to a girl who was watching an episode of a popular Japanese sitcom on her phone.

“Welcome to Beaumont,” she said sweetly as she handed me a menu.  “I can tell you’re not from around here because you don’t have your nose buried in the internet.”

I smiled and scanned the restaurant in amazement.  “So is this what happened after they banned dancing?”

The waitress looked at me like I was crazy.  “These kids probably have no idea that dancing was banned.  The only time they ever look up from those gizmos is when they confiscate them at school.  I bet not a single one of them even knows how to dance.”

kevin baconI was more perplexed than ever.  Teenagers who didn’t dance?  Where were the rebels?  Where were the kids with the old school parents who didn’t allow them to have cell phones, laptops, or ipads?  Where was this town’s Kevin Bacon???

I ordered a Snapple and continued to stare.

“You’ve got to remember, this is Western Maine,” my waitress explained as she brought me my beverage.  “There is nothing to do here other than vanish into the internet or screw around and make babies.  The parents realized they weren’t ready to be grandparents yet, so they allow their kids to be internet junkies.”

Then what was the deal with the ban on dancing?  “Reverend McCormack got bored because these kids don’t cause any trouble,” she explained as she poured herself a cola.  “He’s got no one to preach at, no sinners to save, so he made the town council pass that dancing ban hoping it would stir up some controversy.   It’s no coincidence that it went into effect after Footloose was on TV this weekend.”

footlooseI’d driven all this way for nothing.  This little Maine town wasn’t a powder keg of pent up dance energy waiting to explode.  It was just a tiny hamlet that would really have some problems if the power ever went out.

I thanked the waitress for her time, bought Snapple for the interns, and left a big tip.

She looked sad to see me go.  I was probably the only person willing to engage her in conversation, but I had to get out of this gadget addicted town.  Clearly, there was a higher power than Kevin Bacon at work here…The Machines had to be behind this.

There was no way I was getting sucked into The Robot Apocalypse when I was this far away from The House on the Hill and my anti-technology bunker.

Good luck, people of Beaumont.  Remember, sometimes you just gotta cut loose…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Maine Town Bans Dancing; No One Gets All “Kevin Bacon” About It

  1. Fabulous. Love this. Nothing like putting a new spin to a story. ~(*_*)~~

  2. hollie says:

    I still maintain that dancing is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

  3. The Cutter says:

    But where does that leave the dancing robots? How do they fit into all this?

    • Austin says:

      You can dance if you want to, we can leave your friends behind, because the robots don’t dance, and if they don’t dance, then they’re no friends of mine…

  4. Joseph Nebus says:

    Well, see, you had me going right up until the claim that there were people in Western Maine.

  5. Wow, when I read Beaumont I thought you were in Texas!! Beaumont, TX is just down the road from me (75 miles), but there’s lotsa dancing there!! :-))

  6. aidaapajko says:

    Loved this! really enjoy reading your blog. I’m doing a weekly post ‘Thursday Thoughts’ and would love to know what inspires you or what quotes you find inspirational. I want other bloggers to get involved by leaving their thoughts on the comments of the post and have a discussion about what each blogger has commented. I would appreciate if you could get involved http://aidapajkoblog.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/a-thought-for-thursday-whats-on-your-mind/

    🙂

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