Crazed Pac-Man Eats Ghosts At Dozens Of Maine Haunted Houses

“Waka waka waka…”

Those sounds will now haunt Ghosts throughout Maine following yesterday’s maniacal rampage by Pac-Man, the former arcade game star, who has fallen on hard time ever since his eponymous game fell out of favor with the kids.

The oddly shaped yellow creature, who this Modern Philosopher has always thought resembled a pie chart with a piece missing, has never been able to overcome his addiction to pellets and Ghosts, despite numerous trips to rehab for both issues.

According to Maine authorities, Pac-Man devoured at least fifty Ghosts yesterday before he was apprehended.  He visited approximately forty-five Haunted Houses in the Bangor area during this terror spree, and in most instances, the houses could no longer be classified as haunted after he left.

What went wrong?  How did this happen?  Why was Pac-Man even in Maine?

Bangor Police Chief Bernie Robichaud tried to answer my questions in the aftermath of the melee, which has led to the involvement of the All Hallows Society, and threatens to crash Maine’s thriving real estate/Haunted House market.

“I’m not really sure why the suspect was in Maine,” Robichaud admitted to this Modern Philosopher.  “We’re still piecing it all together, but we think he might’ve been here to make an appearance at a child’s birthday party.  My detectives have learned that Pac-Man was in dire financial straits, and had turned to the birthday party circuit to make a little cash.  How the mighty have fallen, huh?”

I had to nod in agreement.  Pac-Man used to be all the rage back in the day with his game in arcades all over the world, a TV show, cereal, and a torrid love affair with Ms. Pac-Man.

“We believe the suspect got the address wrong, and showed up at a Haunted House near the residence where the party was being held,” The Chief continued.  “When he went to the door, he realized that something was not right.  Part of me feels sorry for the guy.  It was like dropping off a recovering alcoholic at a bar.”

Details are still very sketchy at this point, but one Ghost who managed to hide in the attic and avoid Pac-Man’s furious munching told this Modern Philosopher: “It was the most harrowing thing I’ve ever witnessed.  This little yellow thing just glides into our house, looking all sweet and innocent.  When Gertrude materialized to ask if he was lost, the thing just…it opened up these enormous jaws and pounced on Gertrude without warning.  She was gone.  Over a century haunting this house, and then in a flash of yellow, she’s gone forever.  I’ll never forget it…”

Other witness reports are similar.  Once Pac-Man had gotten a taste of Ghost, his hunger apparently could not be satisfied.  Unfortunately, for Bangor’s Ghost population, he was smack in the middle of the city’s Haunted House District.

“Witness say he glided down the streets making an odd “Waka waka” noise, and sped up anytime he approached a Haunted House,” Chief Robichaud told me with sadness in his usually steady voice.  “Then he’d make a beeline for that house, smash through the front door, and search it from top to bottom, eating any Ghost that crossed his path.  I won’t have an accurate tally of victims until I speak to the homeowners and find out how many Ghosts had once haunted their homes.”

Needless to say Maine’s highly secretive, extremely powerful All Hallows Society was not pleased.

The group has vowed to get justice for the Ghosts who will never haunt another house because of the incident, and issued the following statement: “We speak for all Otherworldly Beings in Maine when we say that such barbaric behavior will be punished to the highest extent of our laws.”

No word yet on who will represent Pac-Man, but sources tell me that lawyers are running as far from this case as possible.  “No one wants to be across the aisle from the All Hallows Society when this goes to court,” famed Maine Lawyer Cy Brown told me.  “That is, if Pac-Man actually survives long enough to see the inside of a courtroom.”

I will keep you posted on the situation, Modern Philosophers.  Could you please offer a moment of silence to those poor, lost souls who are no longer with us after this tragedy?