Monsters Under The Bed Fleeing Maine At An Alarming Rate

New_HampshireHave you checked under your beds lately, Modern Philosophers?

If you live in Maine, there’s an excellent chance you will discover that the Monster Under Your Bed has packed up and left for New Hampshire.

According to the Bureau of Otherworldly Beings Statistics at the Maine Census Bureau, the state’s Monster Under The Bed population has declined by 65% over the past six months!

Why in the name of Stephen King would these longtime fixtures of Maine nightmares suddenly abandon us?  And for New Hampshire no less!!!

Wanting to get some answers, I asked Vlak, the Monster That Lives Under My Neighbors’ Bed, to come to The House on the Hill for a chat about this alarming situation.

monsterWe conducted the interview in my bedroom.  Vlak was under the bed, while I rested atop it.  I often babysit for Vlak when my neighbors are away, and he has always loved spending time under my bed.

“It’s a shame that Mainers are only just now noticing the mass exodus,” Vlak told me sadly as he tapped his tail on the hardwood floor… a sure sign that he was blue.

Vlak had a point.  The Monsters Under The Bed were leaving in droves, but no one even took note of it.  How did that happen?

“You stopped caring about us,” Vlak replied.  “There was a time when nothing in Maine was scarier than the Monster Under Your Bed.  Kids couldn’t sleep at night unless they had a flashlight and Dad checked under the bed every hour.  We were Maine’s unofficial, spine tingling mascots.”

“And then the others started coming,” he continued as his tail tapping grew louder.  “The Aliens, Witches, Werewolves, Gargoyles, Ghosts, Zombies, and whatever other kind of Otherworldly Being exists in the world.  They heard how magical it was up here, and they flocked here like it was their Creature Nirvana.”

A guilt washed over me.  I could very well be the biggest offender with my blog that promotes Maine’s Otherworldly Being population.

“Have you ever wondered why The House on the Hill doesn’t have a Monster Under The Bed?” Vlak asked accusingly.  “It’s because there’s a Gargoyle on the roof, Ghosts in the attic, a Leprechaun’s pot of gold in the the basement, and the house is constantly crawling with Aliens, Witches, Werewolves, The Devil, an Archangel, and numerous other Creatures.  You’ve even started letting a Vampire hang out here.  A Vampire?  Come on!”

Vlak slid deeper under the bed so that I could no longer see his glowing eyes when I peered over the side.  I knew he was upset, and he had every right to be.  I had made The House on the Hill a haven for Otherworldly Beings, but had never given a Monster Under The Bed a home.  What kind of person was I?

I tried to talk Vlak out of the darkness, but there was no budging him.  Not when he got like this.  I had let him down, and it was best to leave him alone.

All HallowsSo I went online to see what The All Hallows Society, Maine’s top secret, ultra powerful organization that policed all things involving Otherworldly Beings, had to say about the Monsters Under The Bed Crisis.

The sinister hooded men, women, and creatures of mystery were not pleased.

They released this statement: “The All Hallows Society is well aware of the exodus of our dear Monsters Who Lived Under Maine Beds.  We are not pleased that they have chosen to seek a life outside of Maine, but it is our job to protect Otherworldly Beings, not to force them to live how we want.  We remind them that Maine is always open to their return, and that others like them are here for support.  The world outside of Maine has not been kind to Otherworldly Beings, and our hope is that the Monsters Who Used To Live Under Our Beds do not gain firsthand experience in this.”

I’m going to hold off on sharing that with Vlak.  Let me just say that I’m sorry for not opening my home and my blog more often to Monsters Under The Bed.  I promise to do everything I can to change that.

If you’re out there under some bed in New Hampshire now reading this, please come home.  Maine misses you, and it’s harder to sleep now knowing that you’re not under our beds and might never return…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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18 Responses to Monsters Under The Bed Fleeing Maine At An Alarming Rate

  1. List of X says:

    Damn otherworldly immigrants, stealing the honest hard-scaring Monsters-under-the-beds’ jobs.

  2. I am so guilty because I have not thought about Monsters-Under-the-Bed since I was a child! I do live with a nice old man ghost though and he loves playing tricks, especially in the Master Suite. I think he is waiting for his wife to pass and I recently met her and she is lively for a 91 year old. He will be waiting for a while I have a feeling.

  3. Monsters are welcome under my bed anytime–if they can put up with the dust bunnies that already live there.

  4. I can hardly wait. Vlak is adorable!! I love that y’all share bunk beds.

  5. Joseph Nebus says:

    Wait, so New Hampshire isn’t itself the underneath of Maine’s bed?

  6. A.J. Sefton says:

    Well I don’t live in Maine or anywhere else in the US, but I worry about monsters under the bed that the cat brings in. {{Shudder}}}

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