“I could fire up the grill if you’re hungry,” I told Lucifer as I handed him another Snapple out of the cooler. “I’ve got some red hot dogs in the fridge.”
It was so quiet out on the porch that I could hear his stomach rumbling.
“This Devil don’t grill,” he replied quickly as he popped his Snapple and took a long pull from the bottle.
I looked over at The Devil, sitting there in his expensive suit, his designer sunglasses, with his $500 haircut and just snickered. “Is grilling beneath you, oh Prince of Darkness?”
He lowered his sunglasses on his nose, and then glared at me over them. “Do you really believe I’m like that, Austin? With the quality of people I deal with everyday, how can you think that about me? I thought you knew me.”
He made a noise that was something like a frustrated growl, and then put his fancy Italian loafers up on my porch railing as he stretched his legs.
I sipped my Snapple and allowed him to simmer down. While I never felt in danger around my frequent uninvited house guest, he was, after all, the Ruler of Hell.
“I was just offering to cook for you, and you made it sound like I had offended you with a trifling request,” I finally replied once I located his pitchfork and saw that it was well beyond his reach.
“I’m sorry,” Lucifer said with remorse. “Do you ever wonder why I spend so much time here at The House on the Hill?”
“I think about it quite often,” I said with a chuckle.
This coaxed a smile out of Lucifer. “Aside from your being one of the few humans who puts up with me, I happen to like Maine very much. You know why? Maine is pretty much the polar opposite of Hell. It’s usually frigid, covered in ice and snow, and everyone is so damn nice and cheerful despite their surroundings.”
I’d never thought of Maine from that perspective. “The Arctic temperatures actually appeal to you?” I asked as I looked at Satan with some skepticism.
“In so much as that it’s major change from what I’m dealing with all day,” he explained. “Sometimes, I just need to get away from all the fire, brimstone, molten lava, and burning flesh. That’s why I don’t grill, dude. It makes me think about the office and all the work and annoyances that are waiting for me when I return.”
My stomach gave a dry heave, and I was suddenly not at all interested in firing up the grill. In fact, I wasn’t hungry at all and might never be again.
“How about we get some ice cream, though? My treat,” he suggested.
I nodded. Despite my gurgling tummy, I’m always up for ice cream…especially when Lucifer is buying.
“Does the fact that you’re offering to pay mean that Hell has frozen over?” I asked.
“I’d tell you to go to Hell, but then I’d have to put up with your stupid jokes even longer,” he quipped.
Very cute. 🙂 it made sense that “the devil don’t grill.” Also, impressive grammatical skills at work. Very few people know to use the possessive pronoun before the infinitive verb. I enjoyed this.
Thanks. On all counts. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
You’re welcome. 🙂 I’m glad I enjoyed it too.
Hurrah! 🙂
Well, you should be pretty impressed with yourself. I put down Eckhart Tolle to read it. 🙂
Whoa! You didn’t mention those were the stakes. 😉
Oh, yeah. 🙂 well, among others.
Ha!
Satan might like a root beer float. I just had one–it’s 90 where I live–and it was devilishly good. 🙂
That does sound good. I’m craving a Reese’s Pieces Sundae like the one depicted at the end of the post. Yum!
He sounds shady… 😉 Have the ice cream, Austin!
Nah, the Devil is pretty cool. I wish there were still a Friendly’s up the street so I could get the sundae I’m craving…
*gets up off the couch and starts making it for you* Can’t be too hard…
They do sell mini ones at the grocery store, but it’s just not the same. The real deal comes in this mammoth glass goblet and is just to stuffed with yumminess!
Dealing with the Devil sounds like dealing with a diplomatic delegation from the rival company/ institute…. the polite insults laced with barbs are hilarious……….
He’s just constantly letting himself into The House on the Hill and helping himself to my Snapple and snacks. He’s a horrible house guest! 🙂
Give him more ice cream…… 😛
I prefer when he buys!
Old Nick must love skinny dipping in ice cold water as well whilst he’s up here. Treat him to that. Or is he an indoors guy ?
He always seems to be in my house, so I’d say he’s an indoor guy. I’ve never heard the Devil called Old Nick…
Ice cold shower it is then. Yep, he’s known by countless names,the old man …
🙂