As people around the world gather excitedly to watch the best soccer teams in the world (plus the one from the United States) compete for The World Cup, a new study reveals that an overwhelming majority of Americans have no idea that the tournament is even taking place.
According to the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST), 4 out of 5 Americans believe The World Cup to be the name of an appetizer platter at Outback Steakhouse.
“Isn’t that the one that comes with mozzarella sticks, nachos, chicken wings, and dumplings?” asked one clueless respondent. “They call it The World Cup because it’s a sampler of appetizers from all over the world, right?”
“My coworkers and I ordered it with a groupon at lunch last week,” replied another.
Officials from FIFA were too busy making sure there were stadiums available in which to play the World Cup matches, so they were unable to comment for this article.
The folks at Outback Steakhouse, however, were delighted to speak to this Modern Philosopher. “That sounds like a great name for an appetizer. I’m going to run that past corporate,” one eager manager told me. “For the record, all our employees know what The World Cup is. We have to pretend we’re up on all things Australian, which means acting like we enjoy soccer. We never show the matches on our TVs, though, because soccer puts the customers to sleep.”
There will be absolutely no followup on this post because I’m afraid if soccer ever gains a toehold in here, it will be the end of the blog. So please refer any questions you might have about the study to the hardworking folks at DUST.