As people around the world gather excitedly to watch the best soccer teams in the world (plus the one from the United States) compete for The World Cup, a new study reveals that an overwhelming majority of Americans have no idea that the tournament is even taking place.
According to the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST), 4 out of 5 Americans believe The World Cup to be the name of an appetizer platter at Outback Steakhouse.
“Isn’t that the one that comes with mozzarella sticks, nachos, chicken wings, and dumplings?” asked one clueless respondent. “They call it The World Cup because it’s a sampler of appetizers from all over the world, right?”
“My coworkers and I ordered it with a groupon at lunch last week,” replied another.
Officials from FIFA were too busy making sure there were stadiums available in which to play the World Cup matches, so they were unable to comment for this article.
The folks at Outback Steakhouse, however, were delighted to speak to this Modern Philosopher. “That sounds like a great name for an appetizer. I’m going to run that past corporate,” one eager manager told me. “For the record, all our employees know what The World Cup is. We have to pretend we’re up on all things Australian, which means acting like we enjoy soccer. We never show the matches on our TVs, though, because soccer puts the customers to sleep.”
There will be absolutely no followup on this post because I’m afraid if soccer ever gains a toehold in here, it will be the end of the blog. So please refer any questions you might have about the study to the hardworking folks at DUST.
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
I’ve wondered why my local Outback franchise couldn’t make a go of it and is now an IHOP. Perhaps they showed too much FIFA World Cup soccer–which pissed off the locals, since they are die hard SEC fans. They would have been happier watching “Best of the SEC” reruns. At least at IHOP, I can sip, my genuine imitation, French Vanilla flavored coffee, while listening to the Muzak.
Remember, though, per one of my previous posts, the UN now requires all IHOP customers to present valid passports when dining. 🙂
I remember reading that–it’s all coming back. There could be trouble looming ahead. Will the public, pooh, pooh the protrusive passport presentation?
I don’t know. I just don’t know…
It is almost funny ……….and a bit aggravating. Why do folks never read news
Soccer news is invisible to most Americans. 🙂
May I ask why…… even though I am pretty sure I will regret asking?
Soccer isn’t very popular here. Too many other sports, I guess. There’s a pro league, but it is not even close to the level of basketball, baseball, football, or hockey.
OK! sounds simple enough….. 😛
Where do you live? Is it a place where soccer is king? If so, how come no one cares about baseball, football, basketball or hockey? 🙂
Nope not here in India……. We have a national obsession with cricket……. 😛
You see? Every place is different. Soccer just isn’t America’s bag. 🙂
Still I read and watch some news….. It sort of stays in the back of the head…….
Remember, this is a humor blog and that post was pure satire. 🙂
I know…. 😛 human ignorance sort of brings out the worst in me (I worked as an educator; sue me)
🙂
and another blogger was testing my patience with his monologue on why men cannot understand women’s clothing………. 😀
Well, I hope I never test your patience. Maybe just your funny bone. 🙂
Yup all cured now…. he has stopped messaging me….
Phew! 🙂
I like funny, crazy, eclectic and even downright scary things but I cannot condone stupidity ……
🙂
😛 enjoy your Sunday/ Saturday night….. 🙂
Thank you. Same to you!
We live for the World Cup over here- flags go up everywhere, a song is released for the team, pubs stay open later… The only thing that I find strange is seeing it called ‘soccer’ whenever I’m on the Internet… It’s football! 😉
But your team lost yesterday. I’m so sorry. They just lost by one run, right? Too bad someone could hit a home run to tie it and send the game into extra innings… 🙂
Bahaha! Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened 😉
2-1 makes it sound like it was a real pitcher’s duel. Hopefully, you get them next time. With some timely hitting, you guys will end up on top!
I really think you should tweet that advice to the team – it will really help Rooney!
Mickey Rooney is on your team? That might explain why they lost. He’s pretty old to be running up and down the pitch, don’t you agree? 🙂
You know how zombies work…
Yes, but I’m not sure they’d make the best ballplayers. I hear America does have a team in this little tournament, and I wonder if there will be Zombies when they take the field…
I’m looking forward to watching them!
Let me know if they win?
I’ll do my best!
Apparently, they haven’t played yet. I do not think this is a case of leaving the best til last, though. 🙂
Judging from what I’ve heard about the Americam team, I agree 😉
I haven’t heard anything about them. This is America, so they are not allowed to cover soccer on the sports channels and the evening news… 🙂
However, American sportsmen are often attractive, and the accent certainly makes up for it!
Interesting. So British lasses are actually attracted to American accents? I know American ladies love a British accent. Hmmmm….
Absolutely! Especially if the accent is accompanied by bright blue eyes! For me, the American, Canadian, Irish and Australian accents are enough to reduce me to an even bigger blithering idiot…
Good to know. 😉
I enjoy 1-0 pitchers’ duels, so I will cast an eye on the World Cup, Austin. Hey, ESPN even puts games on mother ship ABC, so it must be important, right? Hey, Americans, can the whole world be wrong? Have you seen the spectacle of the singing, the chanting, the flag-waving, the on-field drama of diving and writhing that is Oscar-worthy? The goals are magnificent. The Americans have seven players with dual citizenship and a coach named Jurgen Klinssman. We start pool play tomorrow. On a field. Get watching!
Really? They actually air The World Cup in America? I will have to look for it… 🙂