I Advise You To Pave It Over

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

Like you, I am a homeowner.  While my house might not be on a hill, it does have a large front lawn, and a backyard so big that it could probably host a baseball game.

Yes, it’s nice to look at and I enjoy the compliments I get from my neighbors, but at the end of the day, none of that balances out with all the effort it takes to mow and maintain it.

I’ve talked to several landscaping companies in the area, and the amount of money they want to deal with my lawn makes me think the grass is really greener in the lawn care business.

I’ve tried to interest local teens in taking over the task, and have been very generous in what I’ve offered to pay them, but the ones that don’t take one look at the my backyard and run away in terror, just laugh hysterically.

What am I supposed to do?  I’m getting too old for this #$%^…

Mowering Expectations

mowerDear Mowering,

Love the name you used to sign your letter.  You get a gold star for your toga, my friend.

We are definitely on the same wavelength when it comes to mowing the lawn.

I spent the morning mowing both The Great Lawn of The House on the Hill and its mini version in the backyard.  The backyard is much smaller, but that’s got all the ridiculously tall weeds growing in what were once the Grand Gardens.  I’ve also got a bamboo problem because the neighbors behind me allow their bamboo to grow out of control, and the shoots come up on my side of the fence.

I’m at wits end.  As much as I like the way the lawn looks, I’m a City Boy at heart and always will be.  My neighbor across the street has a perfectly manicured lawn and an amazing garden in front of her house.  That’s all the green and flowers I need, and I have a perfect view of it when I sit out on the porch.

I advise you to pave over your lawn.  That’s my next step.  The second I figure out how to use a concrete mixer, it’s goodbye grass and hello smooth, gray concrete that never needs my sweat and attention.

It really is the way to go.  If you miss the green, you can paint the concrete.

Let me know if you decide to join me in this revolutionary way of handling lawn care.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to I Advise You To Pave It Over

  1. List of X says:

    Or you could just get a couple of goats.

    • Austin says:

      I asked about that down at City Hall, and the monthly goat licensing fees are astronomical. Plus, the All Hallows Society considers goats to be a protected species, and I’m not going to mess with those All Hallows folks…

  2. You reach a point and wonder who is getting the most benefit, you or the house. I didn’t mind cutting and trimming my grass and cultivating flowers but it was costing me in many ways so I sold it. And, I didn’t pave over all that grass. The new owner could make his own decisions when he realized how much work it all was. 🙂
    You could always pave it over, paint it green and rent our parking space. What do you think?

  3. howardat58 says:

    Grow trees and bushes, with secret winding paths and the odd grassy knoll (I have never, ever written that word before). Trimming and chopping down trees is easier if you remember to do it before you need a (even more expensive) tree surgeon. And trees don’t sh?t everywhere.

  4. *laughs so much* There is no way you can pave the hill or the lawn until I see them.

  5. cat9984 says:

    We’re going with native grasses and flowers – I guess they must have been invented before mowers since you just let them grow wild.

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