Mummy Escapes Bangor Museum, Curses Dozens Of Mainers

MummyBangor Police are reporting that the mummy of Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Anedjib has risen and is currently on the loose somewhere near the Bangor Waterfront.

According to security tapes, the mummy, who was on display at Bangor’s Museum of Natural History, came to life at around 7:00am and left the building via the front door.  No one was injured.

“This is Maine, so we have very light security,” Museum Curator CeCe Lazarescu explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “Naturally, we have our security guards focus on the Stephen King and Paul Bunyan displays as those are what would be most enticing to any local cat burglar.”

Dozens of Mainers have interacted with the mummy, and all were cursed before Anedjib moved on to her next victim.

“I have never heard such blue language!” attested Julie Bemis of Brewer, who came across the mummy as she walked downtown.  “The words that came out of that thing’s mouth were so vile and despicable.  I’ll never be able to unhear them!”

“I was a sailor for twenty-seven years, and I’ve never heard cursing like that!” declared Melvin Ouellette of Bangor.  “I told that crazy foreigner that she could go #$%& herself, but the little !@$# just kept cursing up a blue streak!”

In all, over three dozen people have been rushed to Eastern Maine Medical Center and St. Joseph Hospital after being cursed by the mummy.  Doctors believe that everyone will make a speedy recovery.

mummy-costumePolice have released this photo of the mummy.

She is described by authorities as undead, extremely dangerous, and having quite the mouth on her.

“That mummy used to rule over all of Egypt?” asked Meryl Gossinger, who came face to face with Anedjib outside of the Bangor Public Library.  “My cheeks are still flush from the disgusting things she said to me.  If I had a bar of soap, let me tell you…”

Bangor Police Chief Joey “Joseph” Bouchard told this Modern Philosopher that his officers have the mummy confined to an area along the Waterfront.

“The mummy is still cursing her head off, but she is out of hearing range of most citizens,” The Chief assured me.  “We hope that she tires herself out eventually, and will accompany us peacefully back to the museum. ”

So what caused this ancient mummy to suddenly rise and decide to go for a curse-riddled stroll through Downtown Bangor?

“Clearly there is dark magic at work,” explained Waltzing Matilda, my good friend and leader of Maine’s largest coven.  “I would expect we’ll discover that the Wicked Witch of Winterport was bored and decided to have a little fun.”

I asked if Chief Bouchard had requested her help in the mummy’s apprehension.  “The Chief said he wanted to handle it on his own,” she told me.  “We recently gave the men and women in blue a workshop on Defense Against The Black Arts, and they were eager to put some of that training to work in the field.”

policeSo if you are planning to visit the Waterfront tonight, Modern Philosophers, keep in mind that there is a major police presence in the area, a mummy is on the loose, and some really bad language is in the air.

Don’t let that deter you, however, from going out and enjoying another beautiful Summer day.  Maine really is a magical place…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Mummy Escapes Bangor Museum, Curses Dozens Of Mainers

  1. D. Parker says:

    How exciting! Makes a nice change from zombies…these dead just can’t be kept down. You need Abbott and Costello to help you…or Brendan Fraser, yes, definitely him. 😉

  2. Brendan Fraser was definitely the best Mummy hunter. 🙂

  3. Hello, I need more information about this note, I beg you to contact me, I write a book about Anedjib and I want to quote the source and the veracity of this information, to be able to request your authorization to mention it in my book.

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