Clown Arrested After Hitting Man In Face With Pi

clownCalculo, The Math Loving Clown, was arrested and charged with assault after hitting a Milford man in the face with Pi.

The incident occurred at a child’s birthday party, and the victim, who asked to remain anonymous, was the father of a guest.

According to witnesses, Calculo had been entertaining the guests by making irrational numbers out of balloons, solving humorous math equations, and quizzing kids on the decimal values of fractions.

“Then it kinda went to hell in a hand basket wicked quick,” Tom Beecher, a parent of one of the guests, told this Modern Philosopher.  “The Math Clown asked everyone who loved Pi.  Of course, all the kids raised their hands.  Some of the parents did, too.”

What happened next will be a part of birthday party lore for centuries, and further fuel the world’s fear of both clowns and math.

“He reached into his bag of tricks, and everyone was expecting him to pull out a pie covered in whipped cream,” Katie Dwyer, mother of the birthday boy, continued the tale.  “Instead, he pulled out Pi.  You know, the mathematical symbol?  3.1416   That clown slammed poor (name redacted) across the face with the Pi.  He broke his nose and knocked out three of his teeth.”

PiChaos ensued.  Kids screamed.  The victim bled.  A lot.  Several good Samaritans wrestled Calculo to the floor and ripped the Pi out of his hands, while others rushed to give first-aid to the injured man.

The police and paramedics arrived, which settled the children, who all wanted to ride in the ambulance and the squad cars.

The victim was taken to Eastern Maine Medical Center for treatment, while his assailant was taken to the Penobscot County Jail.  Calculo is currently being held without bail and in solitary confinement because he was freaking out the other inmates.

“Few people realize how heavy Pi is,” Dr. Keny Sandhu explained to this Modern Philosopher after she treated the victim.  “That man is lucky to be alive.  If his attacker had used a Pi that had been rounded off just a few more places, we would most likely be making arrangements for the funeral home to pick up a corpse.”

Local authorities are discussing a statewide clown ban, and they do not expect much opposition from Mainers after this incident…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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43 Responses to Clown Arrested After Hitting Man In Face With Pi

  1. hitchens67 says:

    I would have hit him in his Pi Hole!!

  2. JED says:

    I knew something was wrong when I read math-loving. That screamed weird right off. I don’t trust clowns as it is.

  3. idiotprufs says:

    Considering Pi is infinite, it could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. Freaking clowns.

  4. howardat58 says:

    Reblogged this on Saving school math and commented:
    More light relief, from the Modern Philosopher

  5. howardat58 says:

    Nice one, I reblogged it, thanks Austin.
    (I wonder why the wordpress spell checker is happy with blog and blogger, but doesn’t like reblog. It doesn’t like wordpress either!!!)

  6. hollie says:

    I hope Calculo doesn’t get me. I was told the other day by a new co-worker that I must be “super good” at math because I did not need to use my calculator to figure the 10% discount on someone’s bill. You might be thinking, wow, she is a special kind of stupid. Sadly, I took 4 phone calls today alone with people calling to figure out what their bill total would be minus the 10% discount. So, her brand of stupid is not that special after all…

  7. Karen says:

    I dream of a world without clowns. Alas, it’s just a pi in the sky.

    I apologize. I’ll see myself out.

  8. ksbeth says:

    clowns and math, two of my greatest dislikes. no wonder this went bad (

  9. Joseph Nebus says:

    Reblogged this on Joseph Nebus's Sense Of Humor and commented:
    I’m not precisely sure whether this belongs more as a reblog on my mathematics or my humor blog but, what the heck. Austin Hodgens, the Modern Philosopher, brings to general attention news of Calculo, the Math-Loving Clown. It turns out that Maine is kind of a strange place when you get right down to it.
    (I have to admit, I really can’t get into the fear of clowns that so many people report having, but I do have what I think a reasonable and proportionate fear of being smashed in the face with hard, sharp objects, which I think is really important to the goings-on here.)

  10. See, this is what I consider a total Mind —-. It’s not right to combine clowns and math. Where’s It of the Stephen King fame? I’ll take that clown over a math clown any day.

  11. holley4734 says:

    Omg. Dude. Awesomeness right there. lol 🙂 Clowns are sketchy. 🙂

  12. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    The comments on last night’s post established that there is a serious anti-clown sentiment amongst my followers. I thought I’d fuel the flames with this one from the Archives. Enjoy, you clown haters!

  13. George says:

    Very funny and clever.

  14. alundeberg says:

    This explains why I’m terrified of clowns AND math.

  15. That clown is a clown of the worst kind. Don’t particularly like clowns anyway.|||||||” This last part is my cat clowning around. 😛

  16. jan says:

    At first I thought you wrote “he reached into his pants and pulled out a Pi” but then I realized it was his bag of tricks and not his pants and I thought “whew, this could have been bad!”

  17. This is great! 🙂

  18. Clowns: No.

    Math: Yes. I must have that Pi bottle opener.

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