Clown Arrested After Hitting Man In Face With Pi

Calculo, The Math Loving Clown, was arrested and charged with assault after hitting a Milford man in the face with Pi.

The incident occurred at a child’s birthday party, and the victim, who asked to remain anonymous, was the father of a guest.

According to witnesses, Calculo had been entertaining the guests by making irrational numbers out of balloons, solving humorous math equations, and quizzing kids on the decimal values of fractions.

“Then it kinda went to hell in a hand basket wicked quick,” Tom Beecher, a parent of one of the guests, told this Modern Philosopher.  “The Math Clown asked everyone who loved Pi.  Of course, all the kids raised their hands.  Some of the parents did, too.”

What happened next will be a part of birthday party lore for centuries, and further fuel the world’s fear of both clowns and math.

“He reached into his bag of tricks, and everyone was expecting him to pull out a pie covered in whipped cream,” Katie Dwyer, mother of the birthday boy, continued the tale.  “Instead, he pulled out Pi.  You know, the mathematical symbol?  3.1416   That clown slammed poor (name redacted) across the face with the Pi.  He broke his nose and knocked out three of his teeth.”

Chaos ensued.  Kids screamed.  The victim bled.  A lot.  Several good Samaritans wrestled Calculo to the floor and ripped the Pi out of his hands, while others rushed to give first-aid to the injured man.

The police and paramedics arrived, which settled the children, who all wanted to ride in the ambulance and the squad cars.

The victim was taken to Eastern Maine Medical Center for treatment, while his assailant was taken to the Penobscot County Jail.  Calculo is currently being held without bail and in solitary confinement because he was freaking out the other inmates.

“Few people realize how heavy Pi is,” Dr. Keny Sandhu explained to this Modern Philosopher after she treated the victim.  “That man is lucky to be alive.  If his attacker had used a Pi that had been rounded off just a few more places, we would most likely be making arrangements for the funeral home to pick up a corpse.”

Local authorities are discussing a statewide clown ban, and they do not expect much opposition from Mainers after this incident…