That will not be happening, however, if fifty-seven American women named Emmy have their way. The Emmys filed an injunction seeking to halt tonight’s Emmys, citing extreme psychological trauma.
According to sources familiar with the case, the women’s request states that “Giving out awards named Emmy, not only does unspeakable psychological damage to women who share that name, but it also makes it seem like the next logical step will be the actual presenting of women named Emmy to Hollywood celebrities.”
The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (ATAS) has issued the following simple statement: “The show must go on!”, but legal experts give the Emmys at least a slight chance of halting tonight’s Emmy ceremony.
Cy Brown, this blog’s legal adviser had this to say: “Until I read the entire legal document, I cannot give you my definitive thoughts on the merits of the request, but it does seem a little naive for people in this day and age to believe that human beings could be awarded to other human beings as a reward for a job well done.”
“We are determined to stop tonight’s Emmy Awards, and any future broadcasts until the Academy changes the name,” Emmy X explained. “I watched my first Emmy Awards when I was 7, and the nightmares have never stopped.”
According to Emmy X, there are support groups across the country for other Emmys who suffer from the same psychological trauma. “In my most recent recurring nightmare, I am kidnapped, dipped in gold paint, and handed over to Charlie Sheen for his role in Arrested Development. It’s too painful to tell you what happens after that.”
No amount of counseling or medications have been able to help the Emmys. “It always gets worse during awards season,” Emmy X continued. “From the morning they announce the nominations, until the day after the Emmy Ceremony, the nightmares and side effects get more intense.”
Side effects include headaches, anxiety, nausea, dry mouth, night sweats, paranoia, stomach pains, loss of sexual drive, and homicidal rage.
What will happen if the show does not go on as planned? My sources at NBC tell me that host Seth Meyers has been ordered to do three hours of stand up comedy and interviews with anyone who bothers to show up for the non-ceremony.
“It will be like a super extended version of Late Night,” my source explained. “NBC has already been paid for the commercial time, and there is no way anyone here is going to write out refund checks. The show will go on, but it might just be an entirely different show.”
That revised version of the Emmy Broadcast sounds like it would give me nightmares. More on this later if I think it’s necessary…