My Top 5 Fake Allergies

shovelingI have my annual physical tomorrow, Modern Philosophers, and I’ll be seeing a new doctor since Dr. Jekyll has taken a leave of absence due to personal issues.

I’ll have to go over my complete medical history with the new doc, so I thought it would be fun to come up with a list of fake allergies to make it more interesting.

Here are my Top 5:

1. Shoveling snow — I definitely have an adverse reaction to this activity because whenever I’m exposed to it, I end up angry, frustrated, sore, achy, and sweaty.  I often lose feeling in my extremities, develop a runny nose, and have a tendency to curse like a sailor with Tourette’s Syndrome.  Hopefully, I will be able to get the new doctor to write me a note excusing me from this activity for health reasons.

2. Dating — The mere thought of going on a date with someone other than The Girl Who Moved Away With My Heart causes me severe anxiety, stomach pains, headaches, racing heart, sweats, and serious guilt.  It also causes severe depression.

Driver3. Driving — This activity has a tendency to paralyze me with fear, make me feel like a child, causes dark foreshadowing of horrible events waiting to befall me, gives me the heebee jeebies, causes an overwhelming urge to walk, and often leaves me curled up in the fetal position crying out for a subway or a bus to rescue me.

4. Going to the Doctor — This should go over well with the new doctor, but the truth of the matter is that going to any sort of doctor scares the hell out of me.  It gives me the hives, causes nausea, makes me want to wet myself and others, and causes sudden onset paranoia, which leads me to believe that I am going to be told I am about to die.  This is true for the dentist, eye doctor, or any healthcare profession.  I can’t even drink Dr. Pepper because this allergy is so severe.

crowd5. Large Gatherings — I’ve developed a severe and adverse reaction to large gatherings.  I avoid them at all cost, my first reaction when I receive an invite is utter panic, and if I ever attend one, I lose my ability to speak, make jokes, smile, breathe, or come out from the shadows.   By “large gatherings”, I mean any meeting consisting of more than three people.

I know, that list of allergies sounds like something more appropriately addressed by a mental health provider, but my usual doc for that, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, has also taken an unexpected leave of absence.

I don’t know what it is with me and my providers.  Perhaps they are allergic to me…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to My Top 5 Fake Allergies

  1. rowanaliya says:

    It sounds like you are allergic to people and weather, best stay indoors with the furs.

  2. sourgirlohio says:

    Funny, I have the exact same reactions to large gatherings. Please let me know what the good physician says about that, Doc.

  3. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to the New York Yankees. Nope. Definitely sure.

  4. ksbeth says:

    i have clown, dentist, and wet wool allergies.

  5. List of X says:

    I hope this list does not mean that you’re allergic to lists with more than 5 items. 🙂

  6. Pingback: Let’s Get A Physical, Physical… | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

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