A crew of criminal masterminds (and I use that term ironically, Modern Philosophers) surrendered today to authorities in Southern Maine after they realized that the bank they’d robbed was a sperm bank.
A spokesperson for the Portland Police Department told this Modern Philosopher that the four men “freaked out” when they realized that their haul consisted only of frozen vials of sperm.
“I don’t think English was this crew’s first language,” Captain Donald Davenport confided. “They saw the word ‘bank’ on the sign, the low level of security, the brisk business, and all the men who exited with cash, and thought they had discovered an easy mark.”
According to Capt. Davenport, the team staked out the sperm bank for three days, and never picked up on the fact that it was not a regular commercial bank.
“Wherever these guys are from, it’s apparently really bad luck to steal sperm, waste it, or be in the presence of so much of it. That seems to be why they surrendered rather than just getting rid of it,” Davenport explained. “We’re still trying to work out the details and find a proper translator.”
Luckily, no one was injured in the robbery, which took place just after the facility opened its doors this morning. The crew, who entered wearing matching Freddy Krueger masks, was well armed and well organized. Police had absolutely no leads, or any idea as to why someone would want to rob a sperm bank.
“I suppose it’s ironic that they chose to wear Freddy Krueger masks,” Capt. Davenport told me with a chuckle. “Sounds like they’re the ones who are going to be having nightmares for the next 8-12 years.”
The owners of the sperm bank, who asked me to not use the name of their business in this post, assured this Modern Philosopher that it would increase security and discard the pilfered sperm. “We can no longer vouch for the purity of the sperm, so it will need to be tossed off…I mean…out,” a frazzled representative told this Modern Philosopher.
Mainers can rest easy tonight, though, knowing that the Nightmare at the Sperm Bank has been put to bed…