I Advise You To Never Try To Replace #2

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I am one of the owners of a well known, storied, Major League Baseball Franchise.  Today, one of our more recognizable players is retiring from the game, and I have no idea how we are going to replace him.

He is not only an amazing player, but he is also one of the “good guys”.  He’s never been involved in any sort of scandal, which is a rarity with pro athletes these days.  He is a proven winner, the team’s Captain, pretty much the face of the sport, and is beloved even at the stadium of our fiercest rival.

We’ve got to trot someone out onto the field next year to play his position and take his spot in the batting order, but how do you replace an icon?

Any help you could give would not only be greatly appreciated, but could also lead to a spot for you in our front office.  Thanks!

Anonymous Baseball Owner

JeterDear Anonymous,

It’s pretty obvious that you are talking about Derek Jeter, the Captain of my beloved New York Yankees.

You’re correct in thinking that it will be impossible to replace Derek, so I advise you to never try to replace #2.

Retire his number and then play for eternity without a shortstop.  Utilize one of those wacky shifts that Joe Girardi loves so much, and just have the third baseman patrol that entire side of the diamond.  Or just use two second baseman, maybe calling the other player the second second baseman, and never allow him to roam past the first base side of second base.  Or just use a fourth outfielder like they do in softball.

There is no way you are ever going to replace Derek Jeter, and it would be completely unfair to call some poor player the new shortstop of the New York Yankees.  He would spend the rest of his career being compared to the man who held the position before him, and I think that would lead to a lot of stress and poor play.

Maybe you cold just put a cardboard cutout of Derek out at shortstop.  That way his teammates and the fans can be reassured when they look over to the position and see his smiling face patrolling that spot.

I hear science has made some major strides in cloning over the past year…

Just don’t ever try to replace someone who is irreplaceable.

We’re going to miss #2, who will always be #1 in our hearts…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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10 Responses to I Advise You To Never Try To Replace #2

  1. markbialczak says:

    The best suggestion is third baseman more toward short, four outfielders like softball. Austin, you are going to do at least as well in the Yanks’ front office as Costanza. I hear his special desk is still available. You should ask for it. Happy trails, Derek Jeter, this Mets fan was proud to watch you play these two decades. Clap clap clap clap clap. I am standing.

  2. ksbeth says:

    i know he will be missed by many –

  3. Jeter truly is a class act. I’ve always admired him. He was always cool as the other side of the pillow and as steady as they come. Loved that he pretty much lived in a drama free zone, which is practically a miracle in this day and age, especially considering some of the women his name has been linked to. I wish him all the best in his retirement.

  4. cat9984 says:

    idk – people said that about DiMaggio, Gehrig, Ruth, etc. You might be running the team with no players if you leave all the positions empty (that would make Boston really happy)

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