Why Are There So Many Fingers In My Mouth?

Dentist“Why do you hate going to the dentist so much?” Ana asked when she finally looked up from the tattered book she was reading.

My gorgeous Vampire friend and self confessed bookworm, had made herself comfortable on the couch, and was curled up with one of the many books she had brought to The House on the Hill from the used bookstore she owned.

“Didn’t you ever watch Alias?” I countered with my knowledge of television.  “The dentist torture guy creeped the hell out of me.”

Ana gave me a look over the top of her glasses, rolled her eyes, and went back to reading.  “That’s not a serious answer, Austin.”

“I just don’t like having all those fingers in my mouth,” I told her as I grabbed a book from the pile on the table and sat down on the other end of the couch.  “I don’t like to have my fingers in there, so having several foreign digits in there really freaks me out.”

cavity“Don’t you realize that if you don’t let those fingers in, the Cavity Creeps will take control of your mouth?” Ana queried as she turned the page.  “Think of all the fingers an army of Cavity Creeps would have.”

I was glad she was caught up in her book, because I did not want her to see the face of disgust I made in reaction to her comment.

“I’m just afraid that one of those medieval torture devices they use as if scraping barnacles off the bottom of a boat, is going to break and leave a piece of metal forever wedged between my chompers.”

“You worry about the weirdest things,” she told me as she pushed her glasses back up on her nose.  “That even beats the reason why you won’t wear contacts.”

glassesAna gave me a look like she was challenging me to dispute her statement.

“My fear of contacts is not ridiculous!” I came back at her, way too defensively.  “There is a very good chance that one could slide up my eyeball and become lodged in my brain.  Look that up in one of your backs, Ana.  It’s a known fact!”

“You need to get out of this house more,” she hurled back at me with a chuckle.

“I know!” I answered without dispute.

After a few minutes of silence, where we both got really into our books, and I blocked out all thoughts of Cavity Creeps’ fingers, Ana finally stated, “I was really proud of you for going on TV the other night.  You might me a wimp about the dentist, but you certainly had the manliness going on to pull of the acting gig.  Good work.”

I blushed a little and grinned ear to ear.  I don’t have anyone special around to say things like that to me, so I was grateful that Ana had taken over the task at least this once.

“Thanks,” I replied as my cheeks continued to glow red.  “That means a lot to me.”

“As a Vampire, I need to tell you that taking care of your teeth should always be a top priority,” she said as she quickly flashed me her fangs.  “As your friend, who accepts that you’re more than a little odd, I get why you’d have some trepidation about spending time in the dentist’s chair.”

sydneyI was glad my best Witch buddies had introduced me to Ana.  Everyone needs a cool, attractive Vampire in his life, and when Ana was around, great books and stimulating conversation always followed.

I bet she could really kick ass, too, just like Sydney Bristow, my all-time favorite TV crush.  You really didn’t think I was going to bring up Alias and not mention Jennifer Garner’s super spy, did you?

And I’m certainly going to show a picture of her to end this post on a high note.  I’d trust Sydney to fight off the Cavity Creeps anytime…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Why Are There So Many Fingers In My Mouth?

  1. markbialczak says:

    OK, Lance, so I won’t tell you about how the little drill bit used in my root canal broke off inside my tooth and still lives in the bottom of the dead root, way down yonder, irretrievable forevermore by the truly chagrined canal-driller. True story. I don’t know what the drill bit was made of, but it does not make the alarm go off at airports. Knock on wood.

  2. markbialczak says:

    Oops. Austin. Lance? What kind of slip was that?

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