Dear Diary, You’re Boring!

XXX GONE-GIRL-MOV-JY-2007-.JPG A ENTOctober 5, 2014

Dear Diary,

I went to see Gone Girl on Friday.  It was a very good movie, but I have to admit I liked the novel better.  Since Gillian Flynn wrote both versions, I can’t blame the screenwriter for screwing up the movie version.

While watching how Amy Dunne used her diary to make her husband’s life a living hell, I got to thinking that you, Dear Diary, are extremely boring.

When I got home, I pulled you out and gave you a very thorough read.  Yawn City.  Why do I even keep you?  If I were to go missing and the police found you, they’d probably assume I ran away from the most humdrum life ever lived.  They might not even try to find me, thinking they were doing me a service.

I guess they might take the kitties in for questioning since I write about them way more than any single man should (I can see the headlines now: Cat Man of Brewer Missing! Cats Suspected!),but how pathetic is that?

How are we going to rectify that situation, Dear Diary?  I’m a writer, and I have a journal that’s boring enough to be required reading in a high school Literature class.  I think I need to spice up things around here.  I’d like you to be a part of that, Dear Diary, but based on all the previous entries, it might be best to burn you and start from scratch with a new, more manly looking journal.  And when I say burn you, I mean turn you into ash, not just leave you slightly charred in an old furnace like Amazing Amy Dunne did.

DiaryI’m no plagiarist, Dear Diary, so I’m not going to marry some pour sap and then frame her for my murder.  Amy and Gillian have already done that extremely well.

I do want, however, to make my diary a must read should I ever vanish into thin air, or should you be leaked to the press just as my writing career is taking off.

Sure, Dear Diary, you might try to turn this all around and place the blame squarely on my broad shoulders, saying that if I lived a more exciting life, you wouldn’t be such a snooze inducing read.  Don’t be that way.  Take some responsibility for your blandness.

And just in case you do think about turning on me, Dear Diary, know that I have taken steps to ensure that you will spend the rest of your life in a prison library if anything happens to me.  Diaries are not treated well by the other books in the prison library, and I’m sure they will find your flowery cover to be quite pretty.

Yes, Dear Diary, I have learned a few things after watching Gone Girl.  I’m a different man now.  Either you go along with the changes I plan to make, or know that you will be the only guest at Maine’s first book burning in decades.

I’m glad we had this talk, Dear Diary.  We’ll talk again soon…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Dear Diary, You’re Boring!

  1. hollie says:

    I’m seeing it next Friday and I’m excited. I loved Gone Girl… have you read any of her other novels? I loved them as well, though I loved Dark Places more than Sharp Objects. She’s a Kansas girl, ya know…

  2. floridaborne says:

    I, too, reread parts of my diary recently, with similar results. Once I started a blog, the diary stopped. Who needs a diary when you have a blog? 🙂

  3. Tony Michele says:

    Haha. I had quite a laugh trading this.

    Your writing has convinced me to read the book before watching the movie.

    >

  4. I must read the book! Then, I want to see the movie. Looks like I should search this author’s other books as well.
    Thanks for the Dear Diary post. I must go revisit mine as well. Boring as boring gets. How do you plan to spice yours up. I could use a few pointers. :-0

  5. D. Parker says:

    My diary is so boring it doesn’t even have anything written in it…or is it in invisible ink and code?

  6. cat9984 says:

    They will be able to use your blog to convict you of biblio-cide.

  7. Now that you’ve sorted out your diary, can you have a chat with mine? It could really use some excitement.

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