Dear Diary, You’re Boring!

October 5, 2014

Dear Diary,

I went to see Gone Girl on Friday.  It was a very good movie, but I have to admit I liked the novel better.  Since Gillian Flynn wrote both versions, I can’t blame the screenwriter for screwing up the movie version.

While watching how Amy Dunne used her diary to make her husband’s life a living hell, I got to thinking that you, Dear Diary, are extremely boring.

When I got home, I pulled you out and gave you a very thorough read.  Yawn City.  Why do I even keep you?  If I were to go missing and the police found you, they’d probably assume I ran away from the most humdrum life ever lived.  They might not even try to find me, thinking they were doing me a service.

I guess they might take the kitties in for questioning since I write about them way more than any single man should (I can see the headlines now: Cat Man of Brewer Missing! Cats Suspected!),but how pathetic is that?

How are we going to rectify that situation, Dear Diary?  I’m a writer, and I have a journal that’s boring enough to be required reading in a high school Literature class.  I think I need to spice up things around here.  I’d like you to be a part of that, Dear Diary, but based on all the previous entries, it might be best to burn you and start from scratch with a new, more manly looking journal.  And when I say burn you, I mean turn you into ash, not just leave you slightly charred in an old furnace like Amazing Amy Dunne did.

I’m no plagiarist, Dear Diary, so I’m not going to marry some pour sap and then frame her for my murder.  Amy and Gillian have already done that extremely well.

I do want, however, to make my diary a must read should I ever vanish into thin air, or should you be leaked to the press just as my writing career is taking off.

Sure, Dear Diary, you might try to turn this all around and place the blame squarely on my broad shoulders, saying that if I lived a more exciting life, you wouldn’t be such a snooze inducing read.  Don’t be that way.  Take some responsibility for your blandness.

And just in case you do think about turning on me, Dear Diary, know that I have taken steps to ensure that you will spend the rest of your life in a prison library if anything happens to me.  Diaries are not treated well by the other books in the prison library, and I’m sure they will find your flowery cover to be quite pretty.

Yes, Dear Diary, I have learned a few things after watching Gone Girl.  I’m a different man now.  Either you go along with the changes I plan to make, or know that you will be the only guest at Maine’s first book burning in decades.

I’m glad we had this talk, Dear Diary.  We’ll talk again soon…