Maine Zombie Control Agency Promises Zombie Free Halloween

ZombiesNorman Nicotero, Maine’s Zombie Control Czar, assured Mainers today that, despite rumors of a Zombie attack in Washington County last night, the state’s Zombie population is under control and will not be a problem on Halloween.

“Trick or treating can go on as planned,” Nicotero assured this Modern Philosopher after his announcement, which was broadcast live throughout the state.  “As always, Mainers should exercise the usual caution when out, especially in the more remote areas after dark.”

Nicotero, who heads up Maine’s Zombie Control Agency, which oversees Maine’s Zombie Hunters and Maine’s Zombie Census Bureau, met for several hours this morning with Governor LePage, Maine Halloween Season Festival Chairwoman Tamara Burton, and several members of the All Hallows Society.

“The Governor was concerned about the rumors of a Zombie attack in Washington County last night, and I assured him that it was only a rumor,” Nicotero recounted to me.  “My people are all over the area, and the entire Zombie population in the County is accounted for.  We are keeping them well outside of the populated areas while the Halloween Season Festival is in full swing.”

All HallowsMy sources in Governor LePage’s office gave me a different version of the meeting. “No one said anything in that meeting other than the members of the All Hallows Society,” my source revealed.  “The Governor is scared to death of those guys, so he just sat there, chowing down on donuts, while trying not to wet his pants.”

It would make sense that Maine’s all powerful, super secret All Hallows Society would want the Zombies kept in check during the Halloween Season, which brings tens of thousands of Otherworldly Beings to Maine to celebrate the holiday.  In fact, the group issued this message shortly after Nicotero’s speech:

The All Hallows Society guarantees a safe and joyful Halloween Season for all who choose to celebrate with us.  We offer our assurances that there shall be no disturbances of any kind, most especially not of the Zombie variety.  We shall remain ever watchful so that you can allow yourselves to be fully consumed with the Halloween Spirit. 

In other words, trick or treating will go on as planned!

Authorities in Washington County confirm Nicotero’s story that there were no Zombie attacks last night.  A police spokesperson wrote it off as a Halloween prank.

Zombie humterMaine Zombie Hunters and Maine Zombie Census Bureau Agents patrol every county in Maine, keeping track of the state’s Zombie population, and dispatching the undead when it becomes necessary.

“There are Zombies in Maine, and always will be,” Nicotero said with a smile. “There’s also no safer place than Maine.  Every Zombie is tracked, professionals are on hand to deal with them when needed, and every Mainer receives mandatory Zombie Dispatching Training.”

So I guess those folks on “The Walking Dead” are just overreacting to the Zombie threat.  Of course, that is a TV show, so it would make sense for them to play up the fear factor in order to help with the ratings.

Maybe Rick Grimes should lead his crew to Maine, so they can finally relax and feel safe.  I’m sure the All Hallows Society would see to it that they had a wonderful Halloween!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Maine Zombie Control Agency Promises Zombie Free Halloween

  1. That’s reassuring for everyone concerned. Do you think Zombie Attack Insurance will ever be necessary?

  2. D. Parker says:

    Nicotero is certainly a zombie czar. 🙂

  3. List of X says:

    Good news, and I hope zombies don’t just move on to New Hampshire, Massachusetts, or Canada.

  4. susielindau says:

    I’m glad to hear things are under control up there in Maine!

  5. JED says:

    Who keeps an eye on the Zombie hunters and census agents? What if by keeping the Zombies in check someone also figures a way to control them? Could a planned and coordinated Zombie attack by some guy sitting back and enjoying the mayhem be a worry? I just don’t always trust those that are supposed to be watching out for everyone else.

    • Austin says:

      The Maine Zombie Control Agency watches them. Hopefully, Mayor McCheese will be elected Governor on Election Day, and then we will finally have an Otherworldly Being overseeing the Zombie Squad…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s