Norman Nicotero, Maine’s Zombie Control Czar, assured Mainers today that, despite rumors of a Zombie attack in Washington County last night, the state’s Zombie population is under control and will not be a problem on Halloween.
“Trick or treating can go on as planned,” Nicotero assured this Modern Philosopher after his announcement, which was broadcast live throughout the state. “As always, Mainers should exercise the usual caution when out, especially in the more remote areas after dark.”
Nicotero, who heads up Maine’s Zombie Control Agency, which oversees Maine’s Zombie Hunters and Maine’s Zombie Census Bureau, met for several hours this morning with Governor LePage, Maine Halloween Season Festival Chairwoman Tamara Burton, and several members of the All Hallows Society.
“The Governor was concerned about the rumors of a Zombie attack in Washington County last night, and I assured him that it was only a rumor,” Nicotero recounted to me. “My people are all over the area, and the entire Zombie population in the County is accounted for. We are keeping them well outside of the populated areas while the Halloween Season Festival is in full swing.”
My sources in Governor LePage’s office gave me a different version of the meeting. “No one said anything in that meeting other than the members of the All Hallows Society,” my source revealed. “The Governor is scared to death of those guys, so he just sat there, chowing down on donuts, while trying not to wet his pants.”
It would make sense that Maine’s all powerful, super secret All Hallows Society would want the Zombies kept in check during the Halloween Season, which brings tens of thousands of Otherworldly Beings to Maine to celebrate the holiday. In fact, the group issued this message shortly after Nicotero’s speech:
The All Hallows Society guarantees a safe and joyful Halloween Season for all who choose to celebrate with us. We offer our assurances that there shall be no disturbances of any kind, most especially not of the Zombie variety. We shall remain ever watchful so that you can allow yourselves to be fully consumed with the Halloween Spirit.
In other words, trick or treating will go on as planned!
Authorities in Washington County confirm Nicotero’s story that there were no Zombie attacks last night. A police spokesperson wrote it off as a Halloween prank.
“There are Zombies in Maine, and always will be,” Nicotero said with a smile. “There’s also no safer place than Maine. Every Zombie is tracked, professionals are on hand to deal with them when needed, and every Mainer receives mandatory Zombie Dispatching Training.”
So I guess those folks on “The Walking Dead” are just overreacting to the Zombie threat. Of course, that is a TV show, so it would make sense for them to play up the fear factor in order to help with the ratings.
Maybe Rick Grimes should lead his crew to Maine, so they can finally relax and feel safe. I’m sure the All Hallows Society would see to it that they had a wonderful Halloween!