Pope Declares Governor LePage’s Victory A Modern Miracle

Pope FPope Francis today declared Maine Governor Paul LePage’s Election Day victory to be a modern miracle.

“I don’t throw around the term ‘miracle’ lightly, Austin,” The Holy Father explained to this Modern Philosopher via Skype.  “However, I can find no other way to explain how a man so hated by his constituents managed to gain re-election.”

Mainers woke up in shock on Wednesday morning to discover that the reviled Governor had somehow been granted four more years in office.  Political pundits struggled to explain the bizarre outcome.  A recount was demanded.  Accusations of subterfuge could barely be heard over all the weeping in the streets.

Pope Francis decided to get involved for two reasons:  “The Archbishop of Maine asked me to look into the results, as he believed that a higher power had a hand in the outcome,” The Pope told me.  “Then there were reports from my Cardinals that portions of Hell had frozen over, and The Vatican never takes that event lightly.”

This Modern Philosopher checked with The Devil, a frequent guest at The House on the Hill, and confirmed that Hell did have some frost problems on the morning following Election Day.

Devil“I think that was more related to the Republicans’ overwhelming success on Election Day than it was to LePage’s victory,” Lucifer informed me.  “And before you even ask, no, I did not give the Governor a second term in return for his soul.  He already traded me his soul to win the election four years ago!”

Satan confirmed that he did speak to Pope Francis and assured The Pontiff that he had absolutely nothing to do with Governor LePage’s victory this year.

“With Satanic interference ruled out, no indication of voter fraud or tampering, and no common sense explanation for LePage’s triumph, I had no choice, but to consider that what had taken place was a miracle.”

Pope Francis prayed on the idea for several days, consulted high ranking Church officials from around the globe, and held an emergency meeting at The Vatican that lasted over twelve hours.  In the end, he said the answer was obvious.

“Paul LePage’s victory in the Maine Gubernatorial Election was a miracle,” Pope Francis declared to an enormous crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square.  “I can only hope that he uses the next four years wisely, and that the reason this miracle was granted will finally be revealed for us all to understand.”

LepageGovernor LePage could not be reached for comment.  According to his staff, he is still off celebrating his miraculous victory with a gluttonous tour of the state’s restaurants.

Pope Francis promised to pray for the people of Maine, and said that he would understand if Mainers started to question the existence of God in the aftermath of Election Day.

“Remember, Austin, the Lord works in mysterious ways,” The Pope reminded me in hopes of raising my spirits.  “I’m sorry that I can’t offer you a better explanation for why this happened, but religion relies heavily on faith.  There must be a reason behind this.”

I know Pope Francis believes LePage’s victory to be a miracle, but I can’t help but think of it as a sign of the coming Apocalypse…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to Pope Declares Governor LePage’s Victory A Modern Miracle

  1. I was a bit surprised LePage was re-elected also, Austin. I thought Cutler would have a better showing.

    With all deference to the Holy Father, LePage was swept back into office because of the Barack-a-lypse.

  2. floridaborne says:

    Personally, I think we’ve been suffering politicians for 100 years too long. Here’s a game show I want to see on TV: Every politician in Washington has to be strapped into an electrified chair while making decisions that affect legal US residents. If over 50% don’t like what he’s doing, he gets shocked. I think that would go a long way to making certain that politician followed the will of constituents. 🙂

  3. Kate Lester says:

    This does defy logic, doesn’t it?

  4. orangejade5 says:

    ok i really do not know what or who you are talking about BUT its quite funny. We are having similar type election in the state of Victoria real soon and our 2 main candidates desperately need one of your astute but funny overhauls.

    • Austin says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. I might have to come out your way and write a few blog posts about the election. Perhaps one of the candidates could hire me to mock the other in my blog? 🙂

      • orangejade5 says:

        it would be much better than what we are currently being bored to death over… what is it with these type of elections.. do we all have that short term of memory that we don’t already know the suff ups these guys offered us already?? hmmm Any way i refer to you in my blogs as ROMP ok. it is stated with love and friendliness..

    • Austin says:

      ROMP? Really okay Modern Philosopher?

  5. orangejade5 says:

    yes ROMP because that is the acronym for your title. get it.:0
    I love the thought of one day visiting Maine and the hamptons etc. Last trip I only got to Colorado.

  6. cat9984 says:

    Perhaps the Vatican can save it for when they start the beatification process for Pope Benedict

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