“I don’t throw around the term ‘miracle’ lightly, Austin,” The Holy Father explained to this Modern Philosopher via Skype. “However, I can find no other way to explain how a man so hated by his constituents managed to gain re-election.”
Mainers woke up in shock on Wednesday morning to discover that the reviled Governor had somehow been granted four more years in office. Political pundits struggled to explain the bizarre outcome. A recount was demanded. Accusations of subterfuge could barely be heard over all the weeping in the streets.
Pope Francis decided to get involved for two reasons: “The Archbishop of Maine asked me to look into the results, as he believed that a higher power had a hand in the outcome,” The Pope told me. “Then there were reports from my Cardinals that portions of Hell had frozen over, and The Vatican never takes that event lightly.”
This Modern Philosopher checked with The Devil, a frequent guest at The House on the Hill, and confirmed that Hell did have some frost problems on the morning following Election Day.
“I think that was more related to the Republicans’ overwhelming success on Election Day than it was to LePage’s victory,” Lucifer informed me. “And before you even ask, no, I did not give the Governor a second term in return for his soul. He already traded me his soul to win the election four years ago!”
Satan confirmed that he did speak to Pope Francis and assured The Pontiff that he had absolutely nothing to do with Governor LePage’s victory this year.
“With Satanic interference ruled out, no indication of voter fraud or tampering, and no common sense explanation for LePage’s triumph, I had no choice, but to consider that what had taken place was a miracle.”
Pope Francis prayed on the idea for several days, consulted high ranking Church officials from around the globe, and held an emergency meeting at The Vatican that lasted over twelve hours. In the end, he said the answer was obvious.
“Paul LePage’s victory in the Maine Gubernatorial Election was a miracle,” Pope Francis declared to an enormous crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “I can only hope that he uses the next four years wisely, and that the reason this miracle was granted will finally be revealed for us all to understand.”
Pope Francis promised to pray for the people of Maine, and said that he would understand if Mainers started to question the existence of God in the aftermath of Election Day.
“Remember, Austin, the Lord works in mysterious ways,” The Pope reminded me in hopes of raising my spirits. “I’m sorry that I can’t offer you a better explanation for why this happened, but religion relies heavily on faith. There must be a reason behind this.”
I know Pope Francis believes LePage’s victory to be a miracle, but I can’t help but think of it as a sign of the coming Apocalypse…