Yesterday, I sat down with Zeus, the Father of the Greek Gods and Campaign Manager for Mayor McCheese, to discuss the recent Maine Gubernatorial Election.
Zeus’ candidate, despite having a large lead in the months leading up to Election Day, somehow managed to lose the election. Mainers were saddled with four more years of Paul LePage instead.
It was a stunning outcome that left Mainers weeping in the streets and plotting a move to Canada. It caught Zeus by surprise as well.
To put it politely, Modern Philosophers, Zeus was pissed.
“There were nefarious forces at work, Austin!” Zeus boomed the moment he arrived at The House on the Hill.
While Governor LePage’s victory was by the slimmest of margins, it was still a crushing defeat for Maine’s Otherworldly Being population, who were excited at the prospect of having one of their own as the top politician in Maine.
“You will not get a word out of them since they are conducting their own investigation at this time,” Zeus assured me.
So what happened? How did Mayor McCheese lose when he had such overwhelming support in all the polls?
“The Otherworldly Beings stayed home on Election Day,” Zeus spit out with anger. “Their absence from the polls, coupled with a last minute surge in anti-Otherworldly Being sentiment led to my candidate’s defeat.”
Why didn’t the Otherworldly Beings vote?
Zeus raised an eyebrow to that one. “Excellent question, Austin. First, you must understand that Otherworldly Beings are, by nature, highly superstitious.”
“They saw the massive Sunday snowstorm and subsequent power outages as a sign that they should stay home where it was safe and warm,” Zeus explained. “This thinking was helped along by a series of attack ads and a telephone campaign specifically targeted at Otherworldly Beings.”
Surprisingly, Zeus would not point a finger at Governor LePage for this. “I now believe, after talking with my friends in The All Hallows Society, that it was all the work of Otherworldly Beings.”
I did not expect that answer.
“As you well know, Austin, an overwhelming majority of Mainers have welcomed Otherworldly Beings with open arms. While there are still pockets of prejudice in the state, there are not nearly enough people involved, nor are they intelligent and open minded enough, to mount something as organized and as calculated as this.”
Why would Otherworldly Beings sabotage one of their own?
“There are Otherworldly Beings who believe their kind is losing its identity and becoming too much like humans,” Zeus told me glumly. “These beings want nothing to do with politics and blending into society. They want a separate state where Otherworldly Beings would live alone, without human contact or interference. They see Mayor McCheese as a threat to that dream, and needed to keep him from winning the election.”
“Not all of the power outages and downed trees were the result of the storm,” he said sheepishly. “I might have angrily hurled lightning from the heavens to work out some of my frustration.”
Zeus apologized profusely for the lightning strikes, and wanted to make sure that Mainers knew he did not think them responsible for Mayor McCheese’s defeat.
What’s next for Zeus? “It’s back to Mount Olympus for some quiet time. Politics was way too exhausting, and I need some time away from life with mere mortals.”
When I asked Zeus if Governor LePage should be looking over his shoulder for a well aimed lightning bolt, his only response was a chuckle and a wink.
If I were Governor LePage, I might want to avoid going outside during a storm…