All Soccer Matches To Begin 1-1 To Ensure No More Scoreless Ties

goalBig news from the world of soccer (aka “the boring form of football”), Modern Philosophers.

Realizing that more and more fans were falling asleep and/or dying of boredom during soccer matches because most of them ended in scoreless ties, FIFA has decided to take extreme measures.

Beginning in 2015, all soccer matches will begin with the score 1-1.

“Now there can be no more complaints about matches ending in a 0-0 draw,” FIFA spokesperson Juan Miguel Sosa told this Modern Philosopher.  “This means Americans will need to find something else to whine about.”

According to FIFA, extensive research conducted after this year’s World Cup revealed that the main reason people hated soccer was because it was boring and no one ever scored.

FIFA“One American stood up in a focus group and yelled that the goal was so damn big.  How come these so called superstars cannot put the tiny ball somewhere inside the humungous net?” Sosa recalled with disdain.  “If only you Americans would take some time off from watching your action movies and eating your Happy Meals to learn the essence of our beautiful game.”

I apologized to Sosa on behalf of the American people, but told him that it was going to take much more than a 1-1 starting score to get this country interested in his game.  Our version of football (the REAL version) was just too damn exciting.

“Agree to disagree,” Sosa quipped and then we sat in silence, as if we were watching a soccer match.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up almost 90 minutes later, absolutely nothing had happened.  Sosa still sat across from me at the table, waiting for me to reply.

Determined to help FIFA with their problem, I sent the interns out to interview average Americans about soccer.  When asked what could be done to make soccer more exciting, Mainers came up with some very intriguing ideas.  Here are some of my favorites:

3487-000090Make each goal worth 7 points, so if a ball miraculously makes it into the net, the score will look a lot more exciting.

Allow tackling.

Give the goalies a book to read so at least they have something to do.

Play on ice or during a blizzard.

I have sent these suggestions to FIFA, but have not heard back from them yet.  They are probably still busy spreading the word about the 1-1 news.

Or they’re on the edge of their seats in front of the TV watching today’s football games…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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27 Responses to All Soccer Matches To Begin 1-1 To Ensure No More Scoreless Ties

  1. D. Parker says:

    Yes, a more exciting form of football, actually called football by many, but not as dangerous as rugby. I’ve played soccer during a blizzard and tackling seems to be an issue. Hmmm, this is really making me think. 🙂

  2. markbialczak says:

    We can just go on ignoring it and let the rest of the world appreciate its strategy and patriotic passions, I guess, Austin … I watch World Cup and Olympics and appreciate it somewhat but not our pro leagues …

  3. This is just brilliant. Haha 🙂

  4. juliusmsanz says:

    I think you got your title wrong, it should read All Football Matches. All kidding aside I understand why football can be less appealing, but let me ask you one question that has been bothering me: why is it called american football when the ball is in the hands of the players most of the time? It should be American Handball.

  5. orangejade5 says:

    oh pleazzzeeee most football has its boring stuff.. your “version” is so complicated with stats that it bore s the hell out of me. and what is it it any way some guys on steroids who either pas the ball through their legs or throws it to nobody down field. our version of aerial ping pong is no better and as for rugby league and the english pompous version of rugby is just as bad. Try watching motorsports for awhile. What about golf????

    • Austin says:

      This post was the direct result of a playful argument Suzie and I were having on Twitter about which version of football was better. This post was inspired by that conversation…

  6. Jason Preater says:

    How can you call American Football exciting? Whilst I don’t want to defend soccer- or the bores who go on and on about it endlessly- American Football seems to to me llike a repulsive expression of testosterone obsessed jock culture pumped full of money and ruining the lives and future health of the athletes who get involved in it. But maybe I’m just a cynic.

  7. Jason Preater says:

    …hehe

  8. Football? Have you ever tried watching a cricket match? Now that is the ultimate in boredom. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that some of the players take a crossword puzzle with them to complete while they stand around the field (or is it a cricket pitch?) waiting for something to happen.

  9. ksbeth says:

    i’m sure they’ll take your suggestions ‘under advisement,’ austin and it is only a matter of time….)

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