Realizing that more and more fans were falling asleep and/or dying of boredom during soccer matches because most of them ended in scoreless ties, FIFA has decided to take extreme measures.
Beginning in 2015, all soccer matches will begin with the score 1-1.
“Now there can be no more complaints about matches ending in a 0-0 draw,” FIFA spokesperson Juan Miguel Sosa told this Modern Philosopher. “This means Americans will need to find something else to whine about.”
According to FIFA, extensive research conducted after this year’s World Cup revealed that the main reason people hated soccer was because it was boring and no one ever scored.
“One American stood up in a focus group and yelled that the goal was so damn big. How come these so called superstars cannot put the tiny ball somewhere inside the humungous net?” Sosa recalled with disdain. “If only you Americans would take some time off from watching your action movies and eating your Happy Meals to learn the essence of our beautiful game.”
I apologized to Sosa on behalf of the American people, but told him that it was going to take much more than a 1-1 starting score to get this country interested in his game. Our version of football (the REAL version) was just too damn exciting.
“Agree to disagree,” Sosa quipped and then we sat in silence, as if we were watching a soccer match.
I fell asleep, and when I woke up almost 90 minutes later, absolutely nothing had happened. Sosa still sat across from me at the table, waiting for me to reply.
Determined to help FIFA with their problem, I sent the interns out to interview average Americans about soccer. When asked what could be done to make soccer more exciting, Mainers came up with some very intriguing ideas. Here are some of my favorites:
Give the goalies a book to read so at least they have something to do.
Play on ice or during a blizzard.
I have sent these suggestions to FIFA, but have not heard back from them yet. They are probably still busy spreading the word about the 1-1 news.
Or they’re on the edge of their seats in front of the TV watching today’s football games…