Gravy Train Derails On Way To Maine; Dry Thanksgiving Expected

trainThe New Hampshire Transportation Authority has confirmed that a Gravy Train bound for Maine derailed this evening about 15 miles from the state line.

While no one was killed in the accident, several crew members were injured and rushed to area hospitals.  Perhaps even more importantly, Modern Philosophers, nearly 900 gallons of gravy was lost.

“It looks like it might be a very dry Thanksgiving in Maine,” Marty Huff, Regional Manager of Gravy Express, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “That load was meant to hold over the state for the holiday.  We’re not sure if more can be made and transported in time for Thanksgiving.”

Maine Authorities have joined their counterparts in New Hampshire, as well as officials from the National Transportation Safety Board, in investigating the incident.

gravy“Any time there is this much of a substance spilled, the NTSB is obligated to get involved,” Agent Lawrence Osborne told me.  “Turkey gravy might not be dangerous to the environment, but the loss of such a large quantity this close to Thanksgiving could lead to a national panic.”

There has been no word yet as to whether the incident was an act of sabotage, operator error, or just a mere accident.

One witness, however, places a group of about twenty turkeys in the area near where the train went off the rails.  Authorities are seeking these birds for questioning.

On a related topic, I can’t get the words “I’m going off the rails on a gravy train” out of my head, and it’s beginning to give me a headache.

sad pilgrimsAre there no other options for Mainers wishing to enjoy a gravy laden Thanksgiving feast?  One Deep Thinker has proposed a Gravy Boat be sent from Europe with enough liquid gold to save the holiday.  Others have suggested that Mainers switch to ham and postpone the turkey dinner until more supplies can arrive at Christmas.

But it wouldn’t be Turkey Day if we had ham, people! The Maine Department of Holidays has set up a hotline for anyone who would like to donate gravy to Mainers in need.  The number is 207-GRAVYME.

Won’t you do what you can to save us from a dry Thanksgiving?  I can assure you that Mainers will be extremely thankful…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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28 Responses to Gravy Train Derails On Way To Maine; Dry Thanksgiving Expected

  1. floridaborne says:

    There are more than enough turkeys to go around. All you have to do is walk into any superstore and there’s a bunch of flocking turkeys on every aisle 🙂

  2. ksbeth says:

    turkey gravy helicopter drop. i remember how well the frozen turkey drop went years ago on a WKRP episode?

  3. It’s a good thing I live in Virginia, and don’t like gravy all that much.

  4. drishism says:

    Nearly everything nowadays is made out of either corn or soybeans. Import some corn from Kansas. Sure, the gravy made from corn (and or soybeans) will essentially be imitation gravy. But it would be vegetarian gravy, and that might be healthier anyway.

    **Note: The use of vegetarian gravy has been correlated with accelerated weight loss. Studies are currently being conducted to determine whether or not the weight loss is associated by lower calories, vegetarian gravy benefits from the absence of drugs and growth hormones found in the animal fat, or perhaps the fact that people eat less vegetarian gravy because it tastes like ‘vegetarian gravy.

  5. grannyK says:

    Thanksgiving is the only time I have gravy, so this is a disaster! I think a state of emergency is called for and the govt should help! NO GRAVY! I can’t think about it.

  6. orangejade5 says:

    are you sure it was the turkeys??? hmm maybe it was the chicken lobby or even the beef and cattlemen association. remember how they tried to sue Oprah? hmm come to think of it her and Kim kardashian butts look a bit like turkey. Quick call the National Guard. :0

  7. Bring back the small, family farm. Boo on factory farms. Old MacDonald has to be around somewhere. Somebody should do something about it. Turkey gravy is my favorite and I object in the strongest terms possible!

  8. Rachael says:

    A nice dry vegetarian millet loaf would feed the whole state and would create no mass slaughter of birds while requiring only the application of black bean gravy. Appetizing!

  9. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Whoever said there is no gravy in Virginia is wrong. It is all used at breakfast, to smother a plate of biscuits. (yuck)

    I was hoping this would be about the dog food brand, but still a good post.

  10. D. Parker says:

    Canadian Thanksgiving was a month ago, we have gravy left over and way, way, way too many gravy trains here, I’m sure we could send some over.

  11. orangejade5 says:

    what about governor lepage…..maybe his mimicking some sort of evil superhero. keeping all that gravy for himself ; as so no one else gets to taste its goodness??? he loves food yeah

    • Austin says:

      I’m sure he has a water tower filled with gravy near the Governor’s mansion for emergencies like this. He doesn’t care, though. He won reelection and no longer needs the people of Maine for anything…

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