Genetically Engineered Turkeys Ensure Longer Thanksgiving Naps

ThanksgivingScience has given us something else to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, Modern Philosophers.

A team from the University of Maine’s Genetics Lab announced the creation of a genetically engineered “Super Turkey” that contains extra Tryptophan.  The bird, nicknamed “The Nap Time Gobbler” by the wacky scientists, will be available in Maine grocery stores tomorrow.

For those of you who are more big bang theorists than practicing bangers, Tryptophan TRyptophan(pictured at the right leaving a Maine night club) is the amino acid found in turkey that is supposedly responsible for making everyone sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner.

So why would scientists want to create a turkey that contains an even higher amount of T-phan (as those in the know call it)?

“Don’t you remember how horrible Thanksgiving is?” Dr. Richard van Winkle asked this Modern Philosopher.  “Wouldn’t you want to sleep right through all the conversation, judging, belittling, arguing, debating, name calling, and fisticuffs that usually follow Thanksgiving dinner?”

SuperturkeyThe guy in the lab coat had a point.  “With our Super Turkey, you can ensure that the entire family drifts off into a deep, T-phan induced nap,” Dr. van Winkle promised.  “Or your money back.”

The genetically engineered poultry costs about an extra fifty cents per pound, but isn’t that a small price to pay to nap through family chaos?  Think of how many marriages will be saved, or how many teens will be less likely to run out and get a piercing in protest of being forced to spend time with the annoying relatives from away.

University of Maine Chancellor John Robert Roberts could not be more thrilled with the work of his Genetics Department.  “This is going to put our great University in the Holiday spotlight, and will hopefully attract more big brains to our amazing faculty.  Really, folks, the snow up here isn’t as bad as you’ve heard, and we’re working on an invention that will help with that, too.  Plus, teachers get free tickets to the hockey games!”

The hug I received from Chancellor Roberts surprised me almost as much as how powerful it was.  Who can blame the man for being excited?  The University of Maine is going to be the toast of Thanksgiving.

thanksgiving-napWhat do you think, Modern Philosophers?  If you lived in Maine, would you rush out to buy a Super Turkey?  Would you jump at the chance to put everyone to sleep after dinner, or are you the type who actually enjoys all the fighting, yelling, and crying that goes on when family gets together?

Whatever you might think, we can be grateful for the many options that are available to us to make family more tolerable this Holiday Season.

Happy Thanksgiving!  What time do you want me over for pie?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to Genetically Engineered Turkeys Ensure Longer Thanksgiving Naps

  1. ginjuh says:

    generous second helpings for the kids…

  2. ksbeth says:

    great idea, keep ’em coming!

  3. I could use some of that every night.

  4. The Cutter says:

    For those of us who have to drive home after dinner, we can probably just stick to regular turkey

  5. stephrogers says:

    Oh we don’t have Thanksgiving in Australia, but I want some “special” turkey for dinner too!

  6. cat9984 says:

    Don’t do pie. How do you feel about cheesecake?

  7. orangejade5 says:

    Anytime you want to get on a long haul flight via england, dubai, singapore, sydney, melbourne. Actually just have some of that turkey when you board at JFK. then you could miss all the customs etc. . .. Actually come to think of it this turkey would be heaps yummier than the tripe most flights serve up.
    I make a great pecan pie.

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