Turkeys Building Time Machine To Alter Menu At First Thanksgiving

DeLoreanThe turkeys are at it again, Modern Philosophers!

Just two days after their Mad Turkey Disease Hoax was uncovered (Turkeys Admit To Hoax), the North American Society of Turkeys – East (NAST-E) is back in the news.

This time, however, I am loving the reason.  The turkeys are building a Time Machine!

Who doesn’t love the idea of Time Traveling turkeys?  The concept is as All-American as Thanksgiving itself.

NAST-E spokesperson Tom Gerbler was at The House on the Hill today to tell this Modern Philosopher about the gobblers’ plan to mess with the space/time continuum.

“My clients are under a serious deadline to figure out a way to survive Thanksgiving,” Gerbler explained as we sipped Snapple in the living room.  “The Mad Turkey Disease Hoax was not the best public relations move, but as a non-turkey, I do not get a vote in NAST-E decisions.  The turkeys are hoping that this Time Travel news will get them back in America’s good graces.”

Of course it will.  This blog is very supportive of Time Travel, and its biggest benefactor, Doc Brown, is thought by many to be the Father of Time Travel.

Doc Brown“My clients will not allow me to discuss the device’s design,” Gerbler informed me.  “However, I can say that your friend, Doc Brown, is an adviser on the project.”

Are you kidding me?  I am going to strangle Doc for not telling me about this!

“The plan is simple,” Gerbler continued as I chugged my Snapple in excitement.  “The world’s first turkey Time Travelers are going to travel back to the First Thanksgiving and make a few changes to the menu.  The hope being that a food other than turkey will become the centerpiece of the Thanksgiving Feast.”

I was extremely intrigued and needed to hear more.  What foods do the brave Time Travelers intend to bring to the First Thanksgiving?

“Well, there was a great deal of debate about that one, and my clients couldn’t come to an agreement on one menu item,” he said with a shrug as he downed the rest of his Snapple.  “They finally reached a compromise, but because of this, there has been a need to alter the design of the Time Machine.”

After much badgering and then bribing with more Snapple, my guest was willing to tell me that the Time Machine has been doubled in size in order to accommodate the various foods that will be making the journey.

thanksgiving“There was a great deal of support for pizza.  The big problem with that, though, was how would the Pilgrims and Indians make pizza again the next year?  They don’t know the recipe.  They don’t have pizza ovens.  Pepperoni and mozzarella cheese hadn’t made it to the New World yet.”

Gerbler took a moment to settle down before going on to finish the tale.  “Aside from two dozen pizzas, the Time Machine will be packed with steaks, lamb, chicken, pot roast, hot dogs, burgers, Chinese food, quiche, seafood gumbo, macaroni and cheese, lasagna, chef salads, bratwurst, sushi, and tofu.  I personally don’t think bringing a buffet like that is going to help one new dish to catch on to replace turkey, but again, I don’t get a vote.”

turkeysGerbler assured me that the Time Machine would be operational by this weekend.  He just hoped that left enough time to save the turkeys who are disappearing at an alarming rate to accommodate Thanksgiving dinner orders.

You will be in our prayers, brave Time Travelers. We wish you well!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Turkeys Building Time Machine To Alter Menu At First Thanksgiving

  1. spartacus2030 says:

    I laughed all the way through this post! ‘Deep thoughts from the shallow end of the pool’??? LOL! I really dread the thought of stuffing myself until I burst at the seems! I’m traveling through time myself in a machine that takes to the future at one second per second. As the clock ticks, so I proceed… Genuinely laughable post! It made my day! Go easy on Thanksgiving… Perhaps just a turkey toe?

    • Austin says:

      I’m glad you liked the post. Please stick around and read some of the others. There are plenty of Thanksgiving posts for your reading pleasure. 🙂

  2. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Hopefully they know that the first Thanksgiving was at Jamestown and not Plymouth Rock. No sense in wasting a trip to the past.

  3. Novita says:

    hahaha….i like it

  4. orangejade5 says:

    OMG that is so funny. Please Please write a great comedy screenplay based on all of this.
    And do not put owen wilson, adam sandler, jeff whatis?, or any of those wannabe comedic women in it. Pity joan rivers was still not here because I am sure she would be a great actor for that script.

  5. orangejade5 says:

    just been watching our news. our you and all your followers over there safe. The snow storm looked horrible.
    Don’t hurt yourself shovelling snow eh:)

  6. PinkNoam says:

    Susie Lindau sent me over, and I’ve had a blast reading your posts. Genuinely laughing all the way through this one, thanks for a good read 🙂

  7. orangejade5 says:

    sorry i was getting ahead of myself. I thought you were writing a novel. OOPs screenplay. Anyway check the guy out.

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