Just two days after their Mad Turkey Disease Hoax was uncovered (Turkeys Admit To Hoax), the North American Society of Turkeys – East (NAST-E) is back in the news.
This time, however, I am loving the reason. The turkeys are building a Time Machine!
Who doesn’t love the idea of Time Traveling turkeys? The concept is as All-American as Thanksgiving itself.
NAST-E spokesperson Tom Gerbler was at The House on the Hill today to tell this Modern Philosopher about the gobblers’ plan to mess with the space/time continuum.
“My clients are under a serious deadline to figure out a way to survive Thanksgiving,” Gerbler explained as we sipped Snapple in the living room. “The Mad Turkey Disease Hoax was not the best public relations move, but as a non-turkey, I do not get a vote in NAST-E decisions. The turkeys are hoping that this Time Travel news will get them back in America’s good graces.”
Of course it will. This blog is very supportive of Time Travel, and its biggest benefactor, Doc Brown, is thought by many to be the Father of Time Travel.
Are you kidding me? I am going to strangle Doc for not telling me about this!
“The plan is simple,” Gerbler continued as I chugged my Snapple in excitement. “The world’s first turkey Time Travelers are going to travel back to the First Thanksgiving and make a few changes to the menu. The hope being that a food other than turkey will become the centerpiece of the Thanksgiving Feast.”
I was extremely intrigued and needed to hear more. What foods do the brave Time Travelers intend to bring to the First Thanksgiving?
“Well, there was a great deal of debate about that one, and my clients couldn’t come to an agreement on one menu item,” he said with a shrug as he downed the rest of his Snapple. “They finally reached a compromise, but because of this, there has been a need to alter the design of the Time Machine.”
After much badgering and then bribing with more Snapple, my guest was willing to tell me that the Time Machine has been doubled in size in order to accommodate the various foods that will be making the journey.
“There was a great deal of support for pizza. The big problem with that, though, was how would the Pilgrims and Indians make pizza again the next year? They don’t know the recipe. They don’t have pizza ovens. Pepperoni and mozzarella cheese hadn’t made it to the New World yet.”
Gerbler took a moment to settle down before going on to finish the tale. “Aside from two dozen pizzas, the Time Machine will be packed with steaks, lamb, chicken, pot roast, hot dogs, burgers, Chinese food, quiche, seafood gumbo, macaroni and cheese, lasagna, chef salads, bratwurst, sushi, and tofu. I personally don’t think bringing a buffet like that is going to help one new dish to catch on to replace turkey, but again, I don’t get a vote.”
Gerbler assured me that the Time Machine would be operational by this weekend. He just hoped that left enough time to save the turkeys who are disappearing at an alarming rate to accommodate Thanksgiving dinner orders.
You will be in our prayers, brave Time Travelers. We wish you well!