98% Of Americans Are Thankful That They Don’t Know You

phoneMy friends at the Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST) have been busy again, Modern Philosophers.

This time, they conducted a special phone survey for the Thanksgiving Holiday that you might find very intriguing.

In this poll, conducted with 17,146 cell phone users aged 18-57 from all 50 states, 98% of those who participated stated that they were thankful they didn’t know you.

Once the participants were contacted by the DUST team and agreed to take part in the survey, they were sent your photograph via text message.

When asked if they were thankful that the person in the photograph (you) was not someone they knew, almost everyone replied in the affirmative.

How does that make you feel, Modern Philosophers?

charts“It’s one of our sillier surveys,” Dr. Dawn Questiva, the DUST Assistant Director in charge of the poll, admitted to this Modern Philosopher.  “We do think that it is really telling, however.”

What exactly does DUST take from the results of the Thanksgiving poll?

“After much analysis, we have concluded that it means Americans are overwhelmed at the Holidays,” Dr. Questiva answered with a straight face.  “Why else would they admit to being thankful to not know a total stranger?  It wasn’t like there was any hesitation at all.  Those being surveyed took a quick look at the photo and replied immediately.”

Couldn’t it simply mean that Americans are paranoid, selfish, or fearful of strangers?

“No, Austin, it cannot mean any of those things,” she replied curtly.  “If we interpreted the poll in that manner, it would mean that Americans are a horrible group of people.  We know that’s not true, as America is the greatest country in the world, and Thanksgiving is a time when the generous American spirit really shines its brightest.”

I certainly could’ve come up with enough Deep Thoughts to debate Dr. Questiva for hours, Modern Philosophers, but what would be the point?  DUST is a government agency that needs to justify its existence by conducting weird polls and compiling strange statistics.

Plus, Dr. Questiva sounds like the name of a Super Villain, and I really wasn’t in the mood to see if she lived up to her name.

Instead, I accepted DUST’s analysis of the data and thanked the good doctor for her time.

happy TI am thankful to have the poll results to turn into a blog post on a night when I’m tired and not feeling the most creative.

It’s Thanksgiving, and it’s in the best interest of every American to be thankful for as much as possible.  Otherwise, the turkey will burn in the oven.  That’s a fact.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.  You’ll thank me later.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to 98% Of Americans Are Thankful That They Don’t Know You

  1. Joseph Nebus says:

    Well, must be said, not knowing someone is a pretty good way to avoid having petty quarrels with them. So that’s a measurable advantage in not knowing people.

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