I got into Zombie Car and drove to Walmart. Of course, I could not let an opportunity like this pass without writing about it or taking pictures.
I must warn you, however, that things did not go as planned, and this is not my usual, silly, laugh a minute blog post. I advise you to not let children or anyone with a weak heart to read this post.
I give you The Walmart Effect…
Look at the excitement in those big, brown eyes. The smile on that handsome face. The stubble that was clearly left unattended after this morning’s shower.
I was a man on a mission. I knew I had to get to Walmart, buy some long sleeve shirts, and get the hell out of there. I could not subject myself to too much exposure to The People of Walmart, and allow Walmart to seep into my bloodstream. I simply had to be super focused and on top of my game.
Of course, I could not undertake such an endeavor on my own. I loaded The Devil and Seamus into Zombie Car, while Gary the Gargoyle provided air support.
This Walmart Commando was coming back alive.
I cannot unsee the horrors that I’ve just seen.
I know that I must debrief after my mission, but at this time, I am unable to do so. I’m not sure where Lucifer or Seamus are. We were separated somewhere around Electronics.
Satan said something about there being a rollback on immortal souls. He seemed to be in all his glory, and I am certain that he abandoned me rather than vice versa.
As for Seamus, I have a faint memory of bottles smashing and his drunkenly singing The Notre Dame Fight Song before The People of Walmart surrounded me and drove me off towards the Garden Department. It was so cold out there, but it was the only place I could seek refuge. They were too afraid to come outside into the frigid Maine morning.
I don’t remember how I made it back to Zombie Car. My shoulders ache and my jacket is torn, which leads me to believe that Gary yanked me out of the Garden Department with his mighty claws and flew me to safety.
What I do know for sure is that The Walmart Effect is real, Modern Philosophers.
Zeus help us all…