The Walmart Effect

Walmart_exteriorI went ahead and did it, Modern Philosophers.

I got into Zombie Car and drove to Walmart.  Of course, I could not let an opportunity like this pass without writing about it or taking pictures.

I must warn you, however, that things did not go as planned, and this is not my usual, silly, laugh a minute blog post.  I advise you to not let children or anyone with a weak heart to read this post.

I give you The Walmart Effect…

preWalMartThis is me, Modern Philosophers, in the driveway of The House on the Hill.

Look at the excitement in those big, brown eyes.  The smile on that handsome face.  The stubble that was clearly left unattended after this morning’s shower.

I was a man on a mission.  I knew I had to get to Walmart, buy some long sleeve shirts, and get the hell out of there.  I could not subject myself to too much exposure to The People of Walmart, and allow Walmart to seep into my bloodstream.  I simply had to be super focused and on top of my game.

Of course, I could not undertake such an endeavor on my own.  I loaded The Devil and Seamus into Zombie Car, while Gary the Gargoyle provided air support.

This Walmart Commando was coming back alive.

PostWalmartThis is me post-Walmart, Modern Philosophers.

I cannot unsee the horrors that I’ve just seen.

I know that I must debrief after my mission, but at this time, I am unable to do so.  I’m not sure where Lucifer or Seamus are.  We were separated somewhere around Electronics.

Satan said something about there being a rollback on immortal souls.  He seemed to be in all his glory, and I am certain that he abandoned me rather than vice versa.

As for Seamus, I have a faint memory of bottles smashing and his drunkenly singing The Notre Dame Fight Song before The People of Walmart surrounded me and drove me off towards the Garden Department.  It was so cold out there, but it was the only place I could seek refuge.  They were too afraid to come outside into the frigid Maine morning.

I don’t remember how I made it back to Zombie Car.  My shoulders ache and my jacket is torn, which leads me to believe that Gary yanked me out of the Garden Department with his mighty claws and flew me to safety.

What I do know for sure is that The Walmart Effect is real, Modern Philosophers.

Zeus help us all…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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24 Responses to The Walmart Effect

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I was about to say, “Walmart turned you into a Jets fan!?” but now I realize that is the before picture. 😀

    I need to write about how the “nicer” the area of town the Walmart or Target are, the more likely you’ll be constantly run into by unruly children.

  2. Cha Annie says:

    I’m from New Zealand so no Wal-Mart for us… but the one time I did go it was on the eve of Black Friday… in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. Culture vulture!

  3. JackieP says:

    You went to Walmart on a Saturday?? I’m surprised the devil even went on a Saturday, coarse lots of lost souls to grab, so ok, I get that. But really?? I never, ever, EVER go to a Walmart on a weekend. That’s just either very brave of you, or completely crazy! Next time….if you think you need to go to Walmart on a weekend, grab another cup of coffee, sit, relax, until the urge passes, you’ll be much better off. 😉

  4. You are a brave soul for a Jets fan….

  5. floridaborne says:

    What? No one blocking the aisles? Nobody counting out change to the last penny in line? Or the person leaving their cart to go half way across the store to find something they forgot?

  6. orangejade5 says:

    ha ha thank god we only have target and ‘our’ version of walmart. yes never never never ever go to those places on the weekends. Me thinks you need to take that other persons advice and either get a personal shopper ( maybe sum one from work who loves to shop) or get a catalogue. shop online. Where the rest of the horrobile bits?

  7. orangejade5 says:

    kathmandu stores are closing here in australia. maybe you could shop online and get some shirts for summer there.

  8. Jason Preater says:

    I went to Walmart twice when I was in North Carolina earlier this year. The first time as a tourist and I said, “Carmen, I am never going in that place again.” The second time, she said, “I need a charger for my battery and it’s the only place we can get one.” Standing in the line gawping at the God Built Everything T shirts I thought I was going to be traumatised. I nearly panicked Carmen into leaving the shop, but we stuck in there. The assistant was helpful and knew what she was talking about. In the car park a man came up to me and wished me a good day. Can’t say I want to go back, but I think I’ve overcome my Walophobia.

  9. ksbeth says:

    lucky you made it out alive, austin –

  10. Does this mean you’re not heading back on Black Friday???

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