Snow Miser Asks Santa Claus For A Bigger, Better Snow Maker

North PoleBad news from The North Pole, Modern Philosophers.

My archenemy, Snow Miser, has written his annual letter to Santa Claus, and requested a bigger and better snow maker.

“It was the Blizzard Maker 7000 to be exact, Austin,” Santa Claus confirmed via Skype from his workshop.  “The BlizzMak 7K, as we call it, is the top of the line.  Snow Miser has excellent taste.”

That does not bode well for those of us who were hoping for a mild Winter.  We’ve already had two major snowstorms in Maine, and it’s not even December yet.  And to think, Snow Miser produced all that snow with a machine inferior to the BlizzMak 7K.

“Well, maybe he broke his current snow maker churning out all the fluffy white stuff for those two big storms,” Fred Claus, Santa’s younger, boisterous brother screamed at this Modern Philosopher as his giant head filled the monitor of my laptop.  “So maybe this is a good thing.  If his snow maker is busted, you might get off easy this year.”

Dear SantaFred, while incredibly annoying at times, did have a point.  Plus, he was the one who first notified me of Snow Miser’s request.  You didn’t really think Santa Claus had broken confidentiality, did you?

I had to put Santa Claus on the spot and ask him if there was any chance that Snow Miser would get what he wanted for Christmas.

“I really shouldn’t be discussing that with you, Austin,” Santa said after he finally managed to clear Fred out of the way.  “The Naughty and Nice Lists are Top Secret and kept in a secret location known only to me…”

“I’ve got the lists right here,” Fred interrupted as his giant noggin once again caused a Santa eclipse and filled my screen.  “My brother thinks the location of his safe is such a big secret, but it isn’t.  And he uses the same combination for everything.”

“Fred, you really shouldn’t be sharing that information,” Santa Claus bellowed, unseen, from somewhere behind the enormous face that made me want to close my laptop.

“Chill out, Big Guy,” Fred advised.  “It’s not even December yet, so you don’t want to be pushing your blood pressure through the roof.  If that’s the case, Doc will never clear you to fly on Christmas Eve, and think of all the kids you’ll disappoint.”

SantaSanta mumbled something incomprehensible, and then gave up on trying to prevent Fred from talking to me about the Naughty and Nice Lists.

“Well roast my chestnuts!” Fred exclaimed and then let loose with a shrill whistle that almost blew out my speaker.  “My big brother the saint has your mortal enemy on the Nice List.”

Really Santa?  Really???

Fred was happy to step away now and force his brother to meet my disapproving gaze.  “Look, Austin, I know how this seems,” Santa started hesitantly as Fred made goofy faces behind him.  “I see Snow Miser when he’s sleeping, and I see him when he’s awake.  I know when he’s been bad or good.  Aside from making your life a Winter Wonderland version of Hell on Earth, he’s actually pretty well behaved.”

I could not believe my ears, Modern Philosophers.  Were we talking about the same Snow Miser here?

“I will take your concerns into account before I make my decision,” Santa Claus promised.  “It is a very large and expensive request, so Snow Miser would really have to be on his best behavior to earn a gift like that.”

For the first time during this Skype session, I smiled.  It was a win-win situation for me.

Snow MiserIf Snow Miser really wanted to get his Christmas wish granted, he was going to have to be a perfect little angel between now and Christmas.

That meant no more blizzards, no more personal attacks against me, no more taking out his vengeance on the people of Maine.

Plus, as Fred had suggested, there was the possibility that Snow Miser’s current snow maker was broken.  Perhaps it had exploded after the little Ice Imp overdid it with Winter Storm Cato on Thanksgiving.

On the other hand, if Snow Miser was his usual prickly self, there was no way Santa was going to bring him his BlizzMak 7K.

I’m anxious to see how this all plays out.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Will Santa Claus bring Snow Miser what he wants for Christmas?  Or will Snow Miser continue with his evil ways and wind up on the Naughty List where he clearly belongs?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Snow Miser Asks Santa Claus For A Bigger, Better Snow Maker

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I’m afraid if he avoids y’all, then we get hit instead. So, I don’t know what list that puts him on from my point of view.

  2. orangejade5 says:

    funny funny funny. i would give to have a white xmas. hope he gets his request ..the snow miser…. better ask for a bigger shovel AUStin. 😀

  3. markbialczak says:

    Miser be bad, Austin. No new blizzard maker. He’ll have to stick with the old machinery another year. Fingers crossed.

  4. orangejade5 says:

    ohh please can i…be on the naughty list.. I so sick of trying ( and being) nice to everyone. I want to be selfish and naughty all at the same time…..:)

  5. orangejade5 says:

    mark and austin you 2 guys are funny. why don’t you get together for eggnog since you both live not far from each other.

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