While it is true that The North Pole Police Department has closed all entry points to Santa’s home, the Ebola rumors rocketing around social media are simply false.
“Ho! Ho! Ho! I really do get a kick out of the internet rumor mill, Austin!” Santa told me as his jolly laughter filled The House on the Hill during our Skype session. “Ebola Scare Puts Santa’s Elves On The Shelf. That was my favorite of all the headlines that popped up on my laptop today from my Google alerts.”
Call me old fashioned, Modern Philosophers, but I don’t want to live in a world where The North Pole is wired into the internet. I like the idea of handwritten letters arriving at The North Pole Post Office, Elves scampering down snow lined streets to personally deliver messages to Santa, and Snowmen with quills writing out the Naughty and Nice Lists in flawless calligraphy.
“There has been no Ebola outbreak at The North Pole, and we are not closing our borders out of fear of outsiders contaminating us with the virus,” Santa made perfectly clear once his belly had stopped shaking like a bowl full of jelly from laughter. “Sure, there are a few Elves in the infirmary with runny noses and coughs, but this is The North Pole in December.”
So why is the NPPD locking down things?
“That was actually Fred’s suggestion,” Santa informed me, referring to his younger brother, who’s better known for causing trouble than for coming up with good ideas. “He’s been tracking production, and noticed that we were slightly behind schedule due to all the distractions brought about by our visitors. Fred’s on a real efficiency kick this year, and I don’t want to discourage him when he’s being productive.”
I knew exactly what Santa Claus meant, and just nodded in agreement.
“I know it’s going to disappoint all the good little girls and boys who enjoy visiting The North Pole and seeing my workshop when production is at its highest levels, but Fred has a point,” Santa relayed as he took a sip of eggnog. “We’ll open up again next month, once we’ve all had a chance to rest up from Christmas.”
Santa implored me to spread the word that all was well at The North Pole, and to make sure children knew that no one had Ebola.
“The Elves are working at a furious pace, Mrs. Claus is baking treats to reward them for a hard day’s work, and the Reindeer are training religiously to get ready for the big night. Ho! Ho! Ho! I hope I don’t upset anyone by using the term ‘religiously’ in relation to Christmas, Austin. Do I have to put myself on the Naughty List?”
Santa Claus has a great sense of humor. Just another reason to love the guy.
For those of you who might worry that I didn’t do my journalistic duty by simply taking one man’s word that there is no Ebola outbreak at The North Pole (even when that man is Santa Claus!), I did call the CDC.
CDC officials assured this Modern Philosopher that a team flew to The North Pole to investigate the rumors, North Pole PD made sure they had access to everyone and everything, and it was determined that The North Pole was free of Ebola.
Santa knows which of you doubted his word. Enjoy your coal!
Rest easy, Modern Philosophers. All is well with Santa Claus and his merry band of helpers. You really just have to stop believing every wild rumor you hear on the internet!