North Pole Denies Closings Are Due To Ebola Scare

North PoleDespite what you might have heard, Modern Philosophers, there is no Ebola scare at The North Pole.

While it is true that The North Pole Police Department has closed all entry points to Santa’s home, the Ebola rumors rocketing around social media are simply false.

“Ho! Ho! Ho!  I really do get a kick out of the internet rumor mill, Austin!” Santa told me as his jolly laughter filled The House on the Hill during our Skype session.  “Ebola Scare Puts Santa’s Elves On The Shelf.  That was my favorite of all the headlines that popped up on my laptop today from my Google alerts.”

Call me old fashioned, Modern Philosophers, but I don’t want to live in a world where The North Pole is wired into the internet.  I like the idea of handwritten letters arriving at The North Pole Post Office, Elves scampering down snow lined streets to personally deliver messages to Santa, and Snowmen with quills writing out the Naughty and Nice Lists in flawless calligraphy.

ElvesOf course, I know this to not be the truth since Santa Claus Skypes and texts me all the time, but in my mind, The North Pole knows nothing of social media.

“There has been no Ebola outbreak at The North Pole, and we are not closing our borders out of fear of outsiders contaminating us with the virus,” Santa made perfectly clear once his belly had stopped shaking like a bowl full of jelly from laughter.  “Sure, there are a few Elves in the infirmary with runny noses and coughs, but this is The North Pole in December.”

So why is the NPPD locking down things?

“That was actually Fred’s suggestion,” Santa informed me, referring to his younger brother, who’s better known for causing trouble than for coming up with good ideas.  “He’s been tracking production, and noticed that we were slightly behind schedule due to all the distractions brought about by our visitors.  Fred’s on a real efficiency kick this year, and I don’t want to discourage him when he’s being productive.”

I knew exactly what Santa Claus meant, and just nodded in agreement.

Santa“I know it’s going to disappoint all the good little girls and boys who enjoy visiting The North Pole and seeing my workshop when production is at its highest levels, but Fred has a point,” Santa relayed as he took a sip of eggnog.  “We’ll open up again  next month, once we’ve all had a chance to rest up from Christmas.”

Santa implored me to spread the word that all was well at The North Pole, and to make sure children knew that no one had Ebola.

“The Elves are working at a furious pace, Mrs. Claus is baking treats to reward them for a hard day’s work, and the Reindeer are training religiously to get ready for the big night. Ho! Ho! Ho!  I hope I don’t upset anyone by using the term ‘religiously’ in relation to Christmas, Austin.  Do I have to put myself on the Naughty List?”

Santa Claus has a great sense of humor.  Just another reason to love the guy.

For those of you who might worry that I didn’t do my journalistic duty by simply taking one man’s word that there is no Ebola outbreak at The North Pole (even when that man is Santa Claus!), I did call the CDC.

CDCCDC officials assured this Modern Philosopher that a team flew to The North Pole to investigate the rumors, North Pole PD made sure they had access to everyone and everything, and it was determined that The North Pole was free of Ebola.

Santa knows which of you doubted his word. Enjoy your coal!

Rest easy, Modern Philosophers.  All is well with Santa Claus and his merry band of helpers.  You really just have to stop believing every wild rumor you hear on the internet!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to North Pole Denies Closings Are Due To Ebola Scare

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    I’m glad to know Rudolf’s red nose doesn’t have anything to do with Ebola.

  2. List of X says:

    Of course the North pole has the internet. It’s the fastest way to find out who’s been naughty or nice – by pulling everyone’s internet search history.

  3. JackieP says:

    I wouldn’t mind the coal really, I need more for the furnace, and it’s good for my rep. 😉

  4. susielindau says:

    Wild rumors travel fast.

  5. jaclyna79 says:

    Reblogged this on That Snarky Brunette.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I don’t want to tell my kid that there isn’t an Ebola outbreak at the North Pole, because then I would have to explain what Ebola is to him. I much prefer the ostrich approach to news, or non-news in this case.

  7. Louise says:

    Got a new topic for you …here in aust. We got a ‘muppet’ – sorry to the real ones,- politician who reckons we should have “a gender free” christmas toys …OMG send fred and santa down to fix her up …or the black ops guys….

  8. Steve says:

    How funny. I did a post a while ago about other ‘bolas’ that I’d much rather have than the E version. Thanks for the chuckle!

  9. Pingback: Is The NSA Trying To Recruit Santa Claus? | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

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