How Do We Know The Elf On The Shelf Isn’t An NSA Operative?

elf shelf

We now bring you an important Holiday Safety Message, Modern Philosophers…

As Christmas draws nearer, more Americans are opening their homes to that Holiday staple, The Elf on the Shelf.

He does look so sweet and innocent, doesn’t he, Modern Philosophers?

Those rosy cheeks, the big eyes, and the awesome wardrobe just make you want to give him a big hug, don’t they?

And the kiddos just love him.  My Facebook news feed is flooded with photos of the adorable little guy getting into all sorts of mischief around  the house.

How does me manage to be so naughty, yet give off a very strong “Nice” vibe?  What is his secret, Modern Philosophers?

The Elf on the Shelf has become a key part of Christmas, hasn’t he?

He has worked his way into our lives, our homes, and dare I even say it…our hearts.

It’s like we’ve known him our whole lives, right?

How do we know that he isn’t just an NSA operative???

He’d be the perfect plant, would he not?  No one suspects the little guy.  Folks leave him alone in the house all day.  They voluntarily put him in places that his little Elf limbs might have difficulty reaching.

Then they take photos of him, and talk about how wonderful it is to have him in their lives for the Holiday Season.

All the while, this smiling stranger is watching everything and missing absolutely nothing…

Has anyone ever stopped to think how insane it is to allow an Elf so much access?  How much do you actually know about this guy?  Sure, he’s a sharp dresser with a charming smile, but so is every con man and undercover operative out there.

NSADid you do any sort of background check on your Elf on the Shelf?  Did you ask for references and then actually take the time to call them?  Did you have him fingerprinted, and then ask your pal who’s a cop to run the prints?

Did you ask your Elf on the Shelf to submit a urine sample?  Did you set up spy cams to  record what he does when you’re not home?

Would you allow any other stranger to spend significant time in your home, often unattended, without doing a background check?  Didn’t you put more thought into what to get at the drive thru for lunch, than you did into deciding if it was safe to get an Elf on the Shelf?

The NSA has set a precedent for not playing by the rules.  Now that we know they read our emails and texts, tap our phones, and vote on our behalf for American Idol, shouldn’t we suspect that they have come up with new ways to watch our every move?

SantaThe Elf on the Shelf is the perfect NSA Agent.  Trust me on this.  I’ve done my research, and there’s a reason that The House on the Hill is devoid of the little spies.

Do your research, too, Modern Philosophers.  If you don’t, you might end up on lists even worse than the Naughty one…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

59 Responses to How Do We Know The Elf On The Shelf Isn’t An NSA Operative?

  1. This is brilliant and oddly terrifying!

  2. List of X says:

    I was thinking of running a background check on this guy, but then I realized that it’s basically asking feds if this guy is an undercover federal agent…

  3. I knew there was more to this creepy character 🙂 Happy Day!

  4. Jet Eliot says:

    I trust you on this Austin. 😀

  5. Louise says:

    that is why i have not yet put mine out…. or i am cynical about christmas..:-D lovin’ ya more and more austin. what about the baubles on the trees???HMMMM maybe their got spy cameras in them>

  6. JackieP says:

    I think he looks pretty shifty to me. That sly smile and those eyes that won’t look you in the eye. He’s a rat fink for Santa is what he is. He watches everyone and tattles on them. You won’t find one of those rat fink guys in my house! 😉

  7. grannyK says:

    Perfect! I always thought he was up to something. I think he looks creepy and I’m really not sure he should be around children.

  8. Louise says:

    you know jackiep he does look shifty bit like some of the guys i sorta kinda have dated or thought i would like to date….mmmm

  9. turgius says:

    Hello uncanny valley! I feel sorry for his handlers, his carefully and explicitly detailed reports will bore them to tears…

  10. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I think I would have more respect for the idea of these things everywhere if they really were government operatives of some sort.

    Yes, I’m Grinchy today.

  11. ksbeth says:

    I so have a fear of creepy dolls. So I wouldn’t be surprised at all )

  12. stephrogers says:

    Those elves are so creepy. I refuse to have one in my house. In fact I have no Christmas decorations at all. My kids were telling me all about the decorations they put up at their dad’s place. I told them I was thinking of hanging a mozzie zapper out the front 😉

  13. Louise says:

    hey austin how do i send you a REAL christmas card. I know you do not want a tree etc. but surely you would like a cheesy card from ‘down under’…

  14. hollie says:

    Jingle the Elf is bringing Owen some hair color for “crazy hair day” at school tomorrow…I checked and it is actually crazy hair day this time so Owen just isn’t punking me like last year to let me color his hair!

  15. Louise says:

    seeing how we ( all, well most of us) agree that the elves seem spooky. Can we get santa to send a truck load of them around to all those kardashians and hopefully spook them out of existence.
    Or can we get Doc Brown to swoosh down pick them all up and use the space continuum to get rid of them for once and all.???

  16. sourgirlohio says:

    What about my Mensch on a Bench? Is he in on this too? I just got the damned thing, now it’s spying on me???

  17. Not gonna lie, the Elf on the Shelf kinda sorta really creeps me out! Like full-on heebie-jeebies status!

  18. E.L. Wicker says:

    These guys seriously freak me out. They’re scary looking. Thankfully they’re not so popular in England.

  19. So true…that’s part of the reason I haven’t bought one of the creepy little things…but eventually, my son may talk me into it…perhaps I can find a less creepy looking alternative?

  20. OneDizzyBee says:

    This needs to go viral.

    • Austin says:

      What are you doing to help make that happen? Feel free to share on any form of social media. 🙂

      • OneDizzyBee says:

        Oh, I am totally sharing this. I’m especially sharing this with friends who’ve unwittingly let that creepy little spy into their homes against all sound logic.

      • Austin says:

        Thank you. And please encourage them to share as well. If you start passing it around Facebook, the virus will gain life!!!

  21. Kara Post-Kennedy says:

    Elf On the Shelf is shady af. That is all.

  22. The Hook says:

    You can’t trust anyone these days…

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