The Grinch Says 8 Days Of Hanukkah Are Just Too Tempting

GrinchPlease keep an old friend in your thoughts and prayers this Holiday Season, Modern Philosophers.

It turns out that The Grinch, that big, ugly, green, furry being with a compulsion for breaking and entering, has relapsed.

According to reps for The Grinch, their client left a message stating that he found eight days of Hanukkah gifts to be far too tempting.  He has not been seen or heard from since burglarizing Hanukkah Harry’s wardrobe in the predawn hours yesterday.

“It’s really most unfortunate,” Hanukkah Harry lamented in a phone call to this Modern Philosopher.  “He was doing so well and had become something of a mensch.  Now he’s broken into my home, stolen my best Holiday outfit, and left me scrambling to get an appointment with my tailor before Hanukkah.  Do you know how next to impossible that is going to be?”

I was upset by the news of the break in at Harry’s place, but also very thankful that my friend had chosen this weekend to surprise me with a visit at The House on the Hill.  I guess it was something of a mitzvah for us both.

Santa Claus was also not at all pleased with the news of The Grinch’s return to a life of Holiday crime.

Grinch Santa“I really thought he’s gotten to a point where he’d put his need for breaking and entering behind him,” Santa said with a heavy sigh via Skype.  “He had his charity work and was really helping those kids.  Plus, I just still can’t shake the memory of that creepy crime scene image of him prowling around dressed up like me.”

As Santa Claus mentioned, The Grinch has dedicated his life to charity work.  He was working with children in jeopardy (Grinch and Juvenile Burglars) and he organized an annual toy drive (Grinch’s Toy Drive).

So what went wrong?  Why has he finally fallen off the wagon after all these years?

I spoke to Mr. X (as he asked to be referred), who is The Grinch’s sponsor at B&EA (Breaking and Entering Anonymous).  He had some interesting insights.

“The Grinch loved leading the good life,” Mr. X informed me, “but every year, they’d televise those movies and Holiday Specials about his great heist.  He’d try to ignore them, but he always ended up in front of the TV, watching with a big bowl of popcorn.  Do you realize how amazing a burglar The Grinch was?  He pulled off the crime of the century.  Now, he’s trying to be a good guy, but that compulsion to pull off just one more heist is always there, and it gets harder and harder to ignore.”

hanukkah giftsApparently, Hanukkah was the score that The Grinch simply could not pass on again this year.

“He’d go on and on about Hanukkah all the time,” Mr. X continued.  “The Whoville job was an entire town over the course of one night.  The Grinch wanted to take down another town over eight nights.”

“If anyone can pull off a job of that magnitude, it’s The Grinch,” Mr. X told me with pride.

Authorities have no idea where The Grinch is headed, but if you are a town that celebrates Hanukkah, I suggest you bolt down your menorahs and hide your dreidels.  The greatest Holiday thief of all time very well might be coming for you…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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11 Responses to The Grinch Says 8 Days Of Hanukkah Are Just Too Tempting

  1. Now, I’ve heard e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Grinch get your act together. N.o.w.

  2. JackieP says:

    Ah Grinch, you just couldn’t leave things alone eh?

  3. sourgirlohio says:

    What if I leave Hanukkah cookies out for him? Will he behave?

  4. I”m sorry, I have to take exception to this one. My husband and I had just finished watching the animated Grinch special (which I and many consider the definitive version; we prefer to quietly ignore the Jim Carrey abomination) (quite disappointed that those are the illustrations you chose). The Grinch did not steal from the Whos for his own gain; he was about to dump all the loot off the top of Mount Crumpet, remember? It was all the joy and noise he wanted to end. BUT his small heart grew three sizes, remember that too? This is the problem I have with many sequels and TV shows based on movies: you have this great story where the character learns and grows, then they take two steps back, because they can’t be bothered to think of a new plot incorporating the changes. I am disappointed in you. I suppose you’ll say I should just lighten up, go with the flow, and enjoy your riff on a classic, but it is just not in me to do that.

    • Austin says:

      Remember, those movies and TV specials are Hollywood’s take on the Whoville Heist. It’s not the actual gritty truth. You should know that Hollywood glamorizes everything…

      • And what about this blog post? Is that the gritty truth? I think not. Lucky for you the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day, because he will probably be too big-hearted to sue you for defamation of character.

  5. Reblogged this on Atheist To Christian and commented:
    8 nights of gifts? I’d fall off the wagon too. Oh wait, I did! Happy Hanukkah!

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