Ever since I posted my article about The North Pole closing and an Ebola scare (read that article here), I have had my suspicions that something else was going on up there.
Why else would Santa Claus lock down The North Pole? Is it because NSA officials have been visiting and trying to negotiate a deal to have Santa work for them?
This Modern Philosopher has well placed sources all over the world, including several at the NSA. Isn’t it ironic that I’ve got people spying on the people who are spying on us?
My sources have been flooding The House on the Hill lately with tips that the NSA is trying to come up with an offer that Santa cannot refuse. It’s no secret that he’s thought about retiring, and a man with Santa’s skills would be a hot commodity in the espionage biz.
He sees you when you’re sleeping/He knows when you’re awake/He knows if you’ve been bad or good/So be good for goodness sake…
If those lyrics from “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” weren’t all the resume Santa Claus needed to be the number one target on the NSA’s recruitment list, there’s also his infamous Naughty and Nice Lists.
“The higher ups fantasize about getting their hands on those,” one NSA source told me. “They go back for centuries, which means that every person on the planet is in there. Imagine if Santa Claus came to work here and shared how he spies on the world without ever getting caught? The spy game would be over because the NSA will have won.”
Of course, no one at the NSA will go on the record with this Modern Philosopher about their pursuit of St. Nick. And when I ask the big guy about it, he just gives me a jolly “Ho! Ho! Ho!” and then changes the subject.
As far as I’m concerned, all that stonewalling means the rumors are true. I just want to know if there’s any chance of Santa Claus accepting the NSA’s offer.
Luckily, a person with insider knowledge of the situation decided to pay a visit to The House on the Hill yesterday.
“What I can tell you, however, is that there is no way in the world I would ever relocate from The North Pole to Washington, DC,” she continued as she sipped her Snapple and nibbled on a Christmas cookie. “I also can assure you that my Nick could never report to a supervisor after having been his own boss for all these centuries. Plus, he hates suits and ties.”
It sounds like the NSA won’t be getting what’s at the top of its Christmas list this year, which makes perfect sense seeing as how naughty it’s been…