I Don’t Know What You Did, But Santa Is Really Pissed!

SantaI have no idea what you did, but Santa Claus is REALLY pissed at you.

I’m not talking “going to blow over soon” kinda mad, but “infuriated, throwing your stuff out on the lawn and threatening to set it ablaze” mad.

He Skyped me out of the blue, and his face was as red as his suit.  Santa just started spewing angry words at me, and they were all about you.  I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I just sat there and listened.

When the big guy finally took a break to catch his breath, he swiped everything off of his desk with his arm and then kicked a hole in his office wall.

What the hell did you do?

I tried to ask Santa what you’d done to get him so infuriated this close to Christmas, but all he did was chuckle and shake his head.

“I’m not even going to say it, Austin,” he finally snapped.  “I’m too disgusted to let it pass through my lips.”

nice listHe then made a huge point of holding up the Naughty List and adding your name to it in giant, bold letters.

You are so screwed…

I did everything I could to calm down Santa Claus.  I told him how great you are, and that this was just a one time thing.

That’s when he cut me off.  “Oh, this isn’t the first time, Austin,” he informed me as his angry face filled my laptop’s screen.  “I looked the other way the first time, but a second time?  Not again my friend.  Not this close to Christmas.”

If he had totally written you off, why bother telling me about it?

“Because I wanted your friend to know five days in advance that Christmas won’t be coming,” Santa replied with venom in his voice.  “Plus, I needed to vent and you’re a good listener.  If I didn’t get this off my chest, I’d probably have a heart attack, which would mean no Christmas for anyone, and that would not be fair.”

santa sleighI really did fight on your behalf, but you must’ve done something pretty horrible for Santa to be this pissed.

I’m sorry that you’re not getting anything from Santa Claus this year, but from the sounds of it, this really is all your fault.

There’s still a few days left of Hanukkah.  Maybe you can convert?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to I Don’t Know What You Did, But Santa Is Really Pissed!

  1. K. Renae P. says:

    Ha! Santa get just get in line with everybody else pissed at me. 🙂

    Loved this.

  2. rowanaliya says:

    Shoot, I thought he wasn’t looking. I’m sorry Santa!

  3. JED says:

    And you said he was an easy going fellow. What happened?

  4. Maybe he was slipped something in his eggnog.

  5. JR says:

    Santa can be such an a-hole.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I emerge from my NyQuil coma and this is what I read?

    Forget ya, Santa. I will keep the cookies for myself now.

  7. Louise says:

    take a number santa. I am equally p*** be cause I have to endure another xmas in a place that even home, with no body to love me or spoil me.. AGAIN. AND AGAIN OMG!!! Santa for once i just wanted a good reliable cute guy who loves me for me. and will NOT COMPLAIN about how much money everything costs. . is that too hard hmmmmmmm. mUST BE So Santa you are near the top of my NAughty List also.

  8. The fat boy needs to get over it. I’ve been bad all year for YEARS in hopes he would take a hint and stop dropping all those presents for me, to no avail. So he finally catches on I don’t want anything and he’s mad? Count your blessings, fuzz face! If I had your job I would send nice thank you notes to all the schmucks I moved over to the Naughty List, and there would be a lot more of those, I can tell you. As for you, Austin, thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

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