A group calling themselves Guardians Rallying Against Naked New Year (GRANNY) picketed outside of City Hall in New York City today, Modern Philosophers, demanding that the New Year’s Eve Time Square Ball Drop be canceled unless Baby New Year puts on some more clothes.
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio was kind enough to give me this comment over the phone: “Really? I mean with all the stuff going on in the city right now, they seriously think I have time to worry about what a baby’s wearing?”
I have to agree with Mr. Mayor on this one, Modern Philosophers. Nevertheless, in the spirit of true journalism, I decided to give the nutty protesters a chance to give their side of the story.
“This is all about common decency,” a loud man, who identified himself only as Gerald, screamed into the phone. “Baby New Year is being seen by all the world since all eyes are turned to Times Square for the Ball Drop. The kid is only wearing a diaper and a sash. Maybe he’s got on a top hat if he’s lucky. It’s just not decent!”
Mary Farmer of Bethesda, MD was the next one to terrorize my ears and my Deep Thoughts. “Where are the child welfare workers? Why do they turn a blind eye? It’s child exploitation, plain and simple. The world is full of drunks and perverts. I’m surprised The Lord God Almighty hasn’t brought the End of Days to put us out of our misery.”
I could hear shouts of agreement in the background, and a noise that this Modern Philosopher could only assume was Bible thumping.
“Has anyone even thought about Baby New Year’s health?” asked Rhonda from White Plains, who informed me she had spent twenty years as a nurse on the Maternity Ward of a prestigious New York hospital. “It’s going to be below freezing, and a newborn should not be out in such weather dressed like that. Someone needs to snatch up that baby and wrap him up in full Winter gear, just like that little boy from A Christmas Story!”
I didn’t know how to argue with such logic, Modern Philosophers. I considered bringing up the Baby Jesus out in a manger in December, but I figured they would come back with the fact that it was warm in that part of the world at that time of year.
I wanted to get some input from people who were experts on ball dropping, so I called the New York Jets and asked to speak to some of their wide receivers. Apparently, the Jets were a little busy firing everyone today, so there was no one around to take my call.
Instead, I talked to Peggy Buckner, a spokesperson for Big City Ballers, the company that orchestrates the Time Square Ball Drop.
“I heard about those folks outside of City Hall, and I could care less. This city is full of weirdos, so a few more ain’t gonna bother me,” Buckner assured me. “We’re not associated with Baby New Year. We just give him an All Access Pass to the Ball Drop because it’s good publicity, and people love to see the kid laughing and being all adorable.”
“For all I care, everyone could show up in Times Square in diapers,” she continued. “If they did that, I wouldn’t hafta worry about making sure there were enough porta potties. Not that those filthy, drunk animals even use them.”
I’m not a gambling man, Modern Philosophers, but it’s a safe bet that Baby New Year will not be getting a wardrobe change for the Times Square Ball Drop.
When I cover a story like this, I really miss New York…