You Should Resolve To Show These Rejects Some Love!

RejectionIt’s the first Sunday of 2015, Modern Philosophers, which means it’s time to share some New Year’s Rejects.

Last night’s episode of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman was a rerun because a New Year’s Eve Special aired on Wednesday night.

I had two jokes make the monologue on New Year’s Eve: one about the trailer for the new Star Wars flick, and one about a New Year’s Eve Party for kids at L.L. Bean.

There were still plenty of jokes that did not make it onto the air, so let’s give those Rejects their moment in the sun now…

Happy New Year! Have you made your New Year’s Resolutions yet?  Because nothing says “fresh, new start” like compiling a long list of lies…

Happy New Year!  My resolution is to be even funnier this year.  If I don’t keep that one, it’s totally the writers’ fault!

nite show logoI love New Year’s Eve because it’s the one night I can go out dressed only in a giant diaper and not get any dirty looks!

If you think about it, New Year’s Day is a celebration of the Earth completing a revolution of the Sun.  In a society that hands out trophies simply for participating, I guess it makes sense that we’d throw a wild party for making it around the Sun in a fixed orbit without getting lost…

Happy New Year!  I was going to lead us in a rousing rendition of that New Year’s Eve song, but I still can’t figure out the words.  Is it Old Land Sign? Old Lang Shine?  Old Spice Guy???

It’s New Year’s Eve, which means tomorrow it will be 2015.  Except, of course, in my checkbook, where it will continue to be 2014 until at least mid-February…

Bangor ball dropIt’s New Year’s Eve.  Instead of the traditional ball drop, Governor LePage thought he’d change it up and drop you from your MaineCare coverage instead…

Happy New Year!  You’ll know your New Year’s Eve party is getting way out of control when you see Baby New Year chugging breast milk from a beer bong…

Tomorrow is the Lobster Dip at Old Orchard Beach, where people raise money for Special Olympics Maine by jumping into freezing water.  Lobsters across Maine begged to differ with the name of the event, pointing out that if it were truly a Lobster Dip, the participants would be diving into boiling water…

So what did you think of my Rejects from the New Year’s Eve Special?  Did any of them make you laugh?  Would they have been funnier if you were drinking champagne and wearing a party hat when you read them?

I am looking forward to sharing another year of my Nite Show writing experiences with you, Modern Philosophers.  Thanks for all your support, and please remember that you can “like” the show on Facebook, watch clips on its YouTube channel, and follow it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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24 Responses to You Should Resolve To Show These Rejects Some Love!

  1. My favorite–“Baby New Year chugging breast milk from a beer bong.”

  2. barbtaub says:

    I like the one about the earth completing the orbit of the sun. I’d *totally* give you a trophy for that one!

  3. floridaborne says:

    I agree with barbtaub. The one about the participation award for going around the sun without getting lost is a winner! But they were all good.

  4. Pamela Edwards says:

    Nothing says fresh new start like compiling a long list of lies …too funny ! Austin you’re great at making me smile !

  5. grannyK says:

    All winners this time!

  6. I like the comment about the lobsters and the boiling water, hope 2015 is a good one for you.

  7. Louise says:

    love the lobster one… they got it right there…. happy birthday for tuesday ( oops monday for you)

  8. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Good ones, but my favorite is the lobster one.

    Star Wars jokes made the monologue? Awesome!

  9. markbialczak says:

    I’m partial to the Writers’ fault reject, Austin. Parochial, I know. I might have picked the Lobster Dip if you’d made the punchline melted butter instead of boiling water. 🙂 Happy New Year late. WordPress pressed on without me, and you’ve been brilliant as usual as I’m catching up today, my friend.

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