Maine Department of Transportation spokesperson Rita DeLarue told this Modern Philosopher that crews are trying to figure out how to remove the giant blocks of ice from the highways.
“We tried salting them and plowing them, but the results have not been very good,” DeLarue explained. “We’re talking with the Air National Guard Base in Bangor about dropping some incendiary devices on the icebergs, but first we would need to clear all vehicles and beings from the area.”
And that is no easy task, Modern Philosophers, since the roads are packed with Mainers eager to get out of the frigid Winter night and back to their warm, cozy homes.
At the moment, law enforcement officials are out in force diverting traffic away from the massive blocks of ice that formed over the course of the afternoon as temperatures continued to take a nosedive.
Meteorologists are blaming the frigid wind chills that have swept through the state all week as the source of the problem.
“It’s been incredibly cold, so it makes sense that icebergs would form over open spaces where the temperatures are lowest,” WAVE-TV Meteorologist Stormy McBlizzardton explained from the site of what’s being called The Bangor ‘Berg, a giant mountain of ice that formed just before Exit 182 on I 95. “Highways are wide open and there’s little to nothing to stop the wind. I think we’re witnessing the dawn of a New Ice Age.”
Where in the world is this Global Warming Al Gore promised us???
Of course, there are Mainers who believe that the icebergs aren’t merely the natural byproduct of the recent cold snap. “This is Snow Miser’s doing, ain’t it obvious?” growled one commuter, who wished to remain anonymous. “I nearly totaled by car when I came around the bend and saw that monster in the road. Now I know how the Captain of The Titanic must have felt.”
“Snow Miser for sure,” Linda Aronowitz of Glenburn told this Modern Philosopher when I asked her how she thought the icebergs had formed. “That little prick is just too much. I’ve heard The All Hallows Society is going to bring him up on charges.”
For more information on The All Hallows Society charging Snow Miser with Winter War Crimes, please read this post: Is Snow Miser A Winter War Criminal?
Snow Miser, of course, denied the allegations, but did so with a giant smile on his face while repeatedly thrusting his hips in some bizarre happy dance. “If you think I’m going to admit to anything and help The All Hollow In The Head Society lock me away for life, then you’re crazier than a guy who would wear a toga out in this weather. Oh wait, that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
Oh, I hate that little ice imp.
Regardless of the source of the icebergs, Modern Philosophers, they are out there on the roads and traffic is at a standstill. The Department of Transportation is advising motorists to avoid main roads at all cost, and to simply stay off the roads altogether if possible.
“Those icebergs aren’t going anywhere anytime soon,” DeLarue asked me to convey to my readers. “The weather report is calling for another frigid night and then snow tomorrow. I would expect more icebergs by the end of the day tomorrow. If you have the vacation time, I advise taking a long weekend.”
The thermometer sits at zero degrees as I write this, Modern Philosophers. I think that Stormy McBlizzardton is right and a New Ice Age has come to Maine.
Stay warm and watch out for icebergs…