I Give Up: The Dating Site For Frustrated Singles Ready To Settle

date siteI’ve discovered an exciting new dating website, Modern Philosophers, that I hope will finally help me find someone special and leave behind the single life.

I Give Up calls itself “The dating site for frustrated singles ready to settle down“.

Doesn’t that sound perfect?

I am admittedly frustrated with the dating process, and I am most definitely ready to settle down.  This site is exactly what I need, and I’m about to give them some free advertising on my blog as I sign up for the service.

Who knows?  Maybe they’ll even waive the $25 registration fee once they see all the extra business they get after I post this article.

Surrendering with White FlagIn fact, why don’t I call one of their “White Flag Helpers” to assist me in the process?  That job title sound rather intriguing, doesn’t it?

“Welcome to I Give Up.  My name is Jonah, and I’ll be your White Flag Helper.  How can I assist you today?” asks the kind voice on the other end of the line.

“Hi, Jonah,” I reply cheerily.  “I’m Austin, and I am a frustrated single who is ready to settle down.”

“You mean settle, sir,” Jonah corrects.

“Excuse me?” I ask as I think positive thoughts.  No bad karma allowed right now.

“You misquoted our motto, sir,” Jonah informs me politely.  “This is a dating site for frustrated singles who are ready to settle.”

“Yes,” I concur.  “I’m ready to settle down with my dream date and special someone.”

“We’ve got another one,” I hear Jonah say to someone on his end of the line.  “We get this all the time, sir.  This site is for people who are sick of dating and just want to settle for the first person we can pair them up with.  It’s not a match made in heaven, but rather a match made of convenience, loneliness, and utter desperation.  Now how would you like to pay your $25 registration fee?”

Give UpWhoa!  What ring of Romantic Hell have I stumbled upon, Modern Philosophers?  I’m going to hang up on Jonah and investigate this website a little more.

Give me a second to check this out…

The Hopeless Romantic in me just died a little, Modern Philosophers.  Young, blunt Jonah was right.  I Give Up is a dating site for people who have waved the white flag on trying to find true love, and simply want someone to call “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”.

I think I hear my heart crying.

According to the site, everyone is guaranteed a match, and the formula is simple.  When a person signs up for the service, he is paired with the last person who matches his sexual preference to register for the site.

So, were I to create an account right now, I Give Up would send me either the vitals of the last woman seeking a man to join the site, or the next one that joins.  It just depends on where they are in the matching up process.

bad dateIf either of us is unhappy with the pairing, we can pay another $25 and be hooked up with the next appropriate sucker to join the site.  According to their testimonials, however, only 2% of users ever blow a second $25.

“You’ve basically given up on love and dating, so why waste another $25?” the site asks in its FAQ section.

I guess there’s some logic to what they’re selling.  If people have gotten to the point where they’d rather just be with someone instead of being alone, I suppose I Give Up is a cheap, hassle free way to find an insignificant other.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Is this dating site on to something?  Is this a service you would ever use?  Do you think I was correct to run away screaming and not give up on finding true love just yet?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

75 Responses to I Give Up: The Dating Site For Frustrated Singles Ready To Settle

  1. RUN! YES RUN! Who would want that? There’s gotta be something that draws people together with a little (whole lot) more meaning than that! RUN!!! I will lend you my wheelchair if you need a faster getaway! Grin

  2. Run Forest….RUN! -nods-

  3. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    Oh my. Maybe you should get a dog or a cat.

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Oh goody! Another dating site that I can be rejected through!

    I’m what gets that 2% coming back and paying for an alternative. Maybe the company could put me on their payroll?

  5. MainerChick says:

    LOL well I’m not quite at that point. Rather be alone than with someone I don’t like. I often think about how parents arranged marriages in the past and wondered what made those work other than the time frame and the lack of disrespecting parents. What would I have done if I had been “predestined” to marry “John Doe”. And at what point will society get back to picking out mates for their spawn? Another blog post all together. I would have ran screaming too. Although I don’t believe there is just ONE person for me to love in the world.

  6. markbialczak says:

    It’s about the cost of two beers, two mixed drinks and an order of a dozen medium wings to split, Austin. So it saves the drive to the bar and the look to the left and the look to the right.

    It’s a good novelty gag. But it’s not for you, dude.

  7. Beth Duffus says:

    There is a perception that our parent’s generation had the whole paring-off, settling-down thing taped. I think there was a LOT of settling back then, due to the stigma of being left on the shelf. And because divorce was also stigmatized, a lot of folk just shut up and got on with it, in spite of loveless marriages, aching loneliness, or worse. At least we are free of this today.

    I find dating an exhausting chore – not the right mindset at all. It gets tougher as you get older too, because we are all hiding at home trying to think of an easier way of doing this. And in spite of the modern cultural endorsement, the internet thing rarely works. Cynical? Moi?

  8. susielindau says:

    Hang in there man! You haven’t been single that long!

  9. hollie says:

    I think that is called Christian Mingle. Haha kidding. No, I would never use something like that…I make it on dating websites for like 3 days and they all end up being stage 5 clingers…ick!

  10. J says:

    If this dating site happens, let me know…;)

  11. Pamela Edwards says:

    Run Austin Run ! My sister has tried several dating sites after her divorce & all she met were some strange men . Definitely not the kind she wanted to date much less settle down with . Don’t give up on love , it usually comes along in its own time when you least expect it !

  12. JackieP says:

    That is a site I would stay away from. Shudder. Wow, can you imagine what kind of whacko’s are on there? Settle? Take my advice and never, ever just settle. Hm, maybe you and punkrocker? After all you are both looking! Could do worse than my friend Punkrocker. 🙂

  13. Louise says:

    me too. i want to ign up .. Like the otheres I will be rejected there also.. I treid to settle with G last year and that still was ended by him.. I like the idea of yours becasue i would give you a go.. yep it sucks sleeping on your own.

  14. Louise says:

    Mark – not fair you have found your lovely wife….. how can you really give Austin ( or any of us) that advice. You got a winner. Beth I agree…it is exhausting.

  15. sandydunne says:

    Brilliantly cynical, thanks! 🙂 And definitely worth a try, – I love the (large) element of chance. So much more direct (and fun!) than finding out the truths about a person after the veneer of self-promotion (via internet or initial meetings) has been scrubbed off. There is also something to be said for arranged marriages!

  16. LOL that is hilariously sad. Online dating sites to me are like a smelly trash can….it needs to be taken out, now!

  17. Brilliant business model. Forget the dating part. Buy stocks.

  18. Reblogged this on As The World Turns I fall down and commented:
    Okay this has to be shared. First because it’s a well written story and secondly, mostly, because there are so many of you out there prepared to take the step. Not me. I’m with the writer, I still fool heartedly believe in a match made in heaven. I may have already had mine or maybe I just thought it was the one. Until the day I am actually called home I refuse to quit trying. I may not be the most gorgeous, funny, or loving woman on the planet but I am surely enough of each for just that one fella out there. I keep hoping so anyway. Enjoy the story. I did.

  19. currylove says:

    Shoot. I should’ve thought of this years ago.

  20. This is hilariously brilliant, Austin! I cried from laughing. Sadly with my online dating luck, the moment I sign up, the site would go bankrupt and all possibilities would flush down the toilet… Then again that might be a better alternative to “settling”. My idea of settling is becoming the iconic cat lady, minus the cat’s 😉

  21. ksbeth says:

    don’t give up, i was patient and then impatient and then patient again. and then – at last. the man i’ve been waiting for appeared in my life. i am living proof that it is possible. don’t give up.

  22. Yep I’d run. Lol! Don’t give up. I have friends who found love on dating sites, admittedly one js divorced now but they were happy initially… Amusing post, not that I’m laughing at your misery of dating 😉

  23. sheketechad says:

    LOL! This is the funniest post I’ve read today and it came by Twitter! If Harlon and Paul follow you, I must have been out of pocket too long and I missed you.
    I particularly liked the conversational aspect of “We’ve got another one…” you tossed in there.
    I tried dating sites. I tried meaningful E-mail trading with people of similar interests. Someone will have to trip over me and my wheels I suppose 🙂 But thank you for the laugh, and yeah, don’t give up. Give in possibly, give over, give alms, but never up…

    • Austin says:

      I’m glad to hear you liked it so much. You should really check out yesterday’s post about How To Tell If Your Date Wants To Kill You. Enjoy. 🙂

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