God Electrifies The Pearly Gates To Keep Out Zombies

Sometimes, I lose sleep worrying if The Zombie Apocalypse will overrun Heaven and keep me from my Eternal Reward.

It’s good to know The Big Guy has a plan to prevent that…

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

pearly gatesApparently, Zombies don’t get to go to Heaven, Modern Philosophers.

The Vatican announced today that God had electrified the Pearly Gates in order to keep out the herds of Zombies that keep knock, knock, knocking on Heaven’s Door.

“I’m told they’ve had quite the influx of uninvited Zombie guests lately,” Pope Francis informed me with a chuckle.  “St. Peter got so freaked out by it that he abandoned his post at the Pearly Gates and demanded that something be done about the problem immediately if anyone ever expected him to return to work.”

How did the Zombies even get that close to Paradise?  I can’t picture them trudging up the Stairway to Heaven.

“Zombies were once humans with souls, Austin,” the Holy Father reminded me.  “A multitude of those souls had a place waiting for them in the Kingdom of Heaven.  Due to a computer glitch, when the Zombies were…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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