One state representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told this Modern Philosopher that the law was rushed through the legislature after serious pressure from constituents fed up in the aftermath of Winter Storm Juno.
“Mainers are sick of the snow,” he told me with fear in his voice. “They’ve been flooding my office with angry, threatening calls since Tuesday. Things got so bad that I was praying for a power outage just to make the phones stop ringing!”
Governor LePage refused to comment for this article (no surprise there), but he did issue a statement to the press. “Get over it. This is Maine. It snows. A lot. If you don’t like it, you shouldn’t live here.”
“Typical LePage,” groaned Ida Stinton, an angry Old Town resident. “He doesn’t care that he’s in office because our votes put him there. As always, he just cares about whatever the hell is best for Paul LePage!”
Members of LePage’s staff tried to placate angry Mainers by answering questions, but the basic gist of their replies was “Snow brings a lot of tourists to ski” and “Maine without snow would be like a Stephen King novel without the gore and suspense”.
Of course, the conspiracy theorists speculate that the man behind the throne, was the reason the Governor vetoed the bill.
“Everyone knows that LePage is Snow Miser’s puppet,” Jimmy V (last name withheld to protect him from Snow Miser’s wrath) from Milford whispered. “Snow Miser pulled the strings to get LePage re-elected when it was so obvious Mayor McCheese was going to win the election.”
According to Jimmy, Snow Miser used his vast influence to get LePage a second term, and now the Governor is in his frozen pocket. With that in mind, there’s no way in the world LePage would pass a bill banning snow.
Again, no comment from Governor LePage, but my questions about Snow Miser did bring some extremely worried looks to the faces of his staffers.
I was able to get a message to The All Hallows Society, Maine’s All Powerful Secret Society that looks out for the best interests of the state’s Otherworldly Beings, about the rumor that Snow Miser might have rigged the Gubernatorial Election.
This theory interests us greatly, and we will stop at nothing until we get to the bottom of this. If nefarious forces were at work, and an Otherworldly Being was denied his rightful place as the Governor of this state, we will do everything in our power to right that wrong and punish those responsible.
I would not want to be the subject of an investigation by The All Hallows Society, Modern Philosophers. The mere thought of those menacing, faceless figures in the creepy robes sends chills down my spine.
What also sends chills down my spine is the news that we are expecting another 12-18 inches of snow. The Winter Storm Warning is in effect from 4AM Friday until 1pm on Saturday. That’s a lot of snow.
So that new law would have come in very handy. Now, Mainers must deal with a Super Bowl weekend ruined by endless hours of digging and blowing and blasting out from under another foot to a foot and a half of the white, annoying stuff.
I will continue to follow this story, and update you if there are any changes.
If we could only outlaw snow, Maine would be the greatest place on Earth!