Pope Francis Orders Priests Not To Absolve Patriots’ Sins

Pope Francis gives the Christmas Urbi et Orbi Blessing at St Peter SquarePope Francis has told all members of the Catholic Church’s clergy that they are not to grant absolution to any member of the New England Patriots should they confess to cheating in the AFC Championship Game.

This major news, coming on Super Bowl Sunday, is sure to rattle the Patriots’ Boston based fan base, which is wicked Catholic.

“No one likes a cheater,” The Pontiff told this Modern Philosopher via Skype from The Vatican.  “While I know the Sacrament of Reconciliation is there for people to confess their sins and receive absolution, I do not believe the Patriots deserve God’s forgiveness because of the way they continue to deny that they have cheated.”

That might sound harsh, but a stance like that is exactly why I dig this Pope.  He plays by his own set of rules, which is allowed when you are the head of the Catholic Church.

When you are a team in the NFL, however, you cannot play by your own set of rules.

cheaters“It bothers me that Coach Belichick, Robert Kraft, and Tom Brady keep repeating that there is no way they broke the rules.  Those are not the words of the penitent,” Pope Francis continued.  “If anything, they are the strong denials of men trying to cover up their guilt.”

This Modern Philosopher wasn’t aware that the Pope got involved in matters such as this.  Isn’t there a separation of Church and Sport?

“Any sin comes under my jurisdiction,” The Holy Father pointed out to me.  “If the sinner tries to manipulate the Catholic Church into granting an absolution that is not deserved, then I have the right to act in the Church’s best interest.”

Has any member of the Patriots’ organization attempted to go to confession and unburden his or her soul about the events related to “Deflategate”?

“I really cannot break the sanctity of the confessional, Austin, but let’s just say that I wouldn’t be making such a decree for absolutely no reason.”

confessionI haven’t been to confession in a very long time, but I do remember what a load off it was to unburden myself of my sins to the priest, and then have him wipe them away.

It seemed like a divine get out of jail free card, and an invite to cause more trouble, but The Nuns made it clear that it was anything but that.

This all made me curious as to whether Pope Francis intended to watch the Super Bowl, and if so, who he thought was going to win.

“I am a huge football fan, Austin, but the football that Americans call soccer,” he told me with a chuckle.  “I watch American football sometimes, but after this cheating scandal with the Patriots, I have taken a much larger interest in the game.  It starts after midnight here, but I’m going to watch.  In fact, I’m having a Super Bowl party!”

The Partying Pontiff is back!  I can just imagine The Vatican packed with Cardinals, Nuns, and other clergy as they watch the game.  My stomach rumbles as the thought of how delicious the snacks at an Italian Super Bowl party must be.

“I am rooting for the Seahawks,” Pope Francis informed me.  “We will be Seattle’s twelfth man just like Jesus had twelve men upon whom He could trust to always have His back.”

Is he rooting for the Seahawks because he likes them, or because he doesn’t want to align himself with the team that is banned from going to confession?

super bowl“I’ve been a fan of the city of Seattle ever since Nirvana and Pearl Jam first exploded onto the music scene,” was the Pope’s surprising answer.  “I”m counting on the Seahawks to keep rocking tonight!”

Blessed are the Seahawks, for they are the choice of Pope Francis!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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6 Responses to Pope Francis Orders Priests Not To Absolve Patriots’ Sins

  1. Does that mean no Hail Marys during the game for the Pats?

  2. NotAPunkRocker says:

    He’s aligning with one of his pontifical namesakes,of course.

    St. Francis of Assisi

  3. AC says:

    The poor Patriots must feel so deflated.

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