According to an anonymous tipster, who called The House on the Hill after reading Saturday’s investigative report on Maine’s Missing Sidewalks, the world’s largest candy manufacturers have joined forces to quash the introduction of this no cal chocolate right before the second biggest candy selling holiday of the year!
It’s time for this Modern Philosopher to put on his investigative reporter toga again!
“The Candy Cabal understands that if this new product were to hit stores right before Valentine’s Day, the market would be turned upside down,” Candy Land News Editor-in-Chief, Guillermo Juan Querr told this Modern Philosopher. “Could you imagine how insane people would go over chocolate with no calories? All other chocolate would become obsolete, and Big Candy would go bankrupt!”
While no one will actually go on the record to confirm that the chocolate without calories even exists, my sources tell me that a Swiss company has been working on such a product.
My calls to the company have yet to be returned, but everyone knows that Swiss Chocolatiers are as secretive as Swiss Bankers. Clearly, I would have to go to another source to get my information.
“Your tipster is absolutely correct, Austin,” Cupid confirmed via Skype. “I’ve tasted the prototypes from both countries, and they are delicious. It actually tastes better than the high calorie chocolate we’ve been eating for centuries.”
Hold the bow, Cupid. Did you say two countries?
“That’s right,” he told me as a huge smile crossed his cherubic face. “The Canadians actually beat the Swiss by a couple of weeks.”
Canada came up with zero calorie chocolate before the rest of the world?
“None of the other Chocolate Super Powers had any interest in developing the product. That means the Canadians and the Swiss were the only ones working on it, and the Swiss only got into the game when they heard the Canucks were getting close.”
I had no idea there was so much intrigue in the world of chocolate. Or that Canadians were really interested in anything other than hockey and Canadian bacon.
“Big Candy has promised me the world if I help them to keep the new chocolate off the shelves for Valentine’s Day,” Cupid continued. “They’re fairly confident that they have the Easter Bunny in their pocket, and that the world will forget all about the special chocolate by the time Halloween arrives.”
Cupid isn’t going to help the Candy Cabal, though, is he?
“Candy isn’t my gig, so they’re wasting their time,” Cupid replied with a mischievous laugh. “I’m all about spreading the love on Valentine’s Day. I’m no Candy Man, but if I can keep the Candy Conglomerates busy, and that helps get this new, healthier chocolate out on the market, then so be it!”
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? If no calorie chocolate really does exist, does the American Government have a duty to its overweight citizens to make sure it is made available? Or should Big Candy be allowed to continue to line its pockets while the world falls deeper into a diabetic daze?
All I know for sure right now is that I am totally craving chocolate…