In the last scene of the finale, an actor impersonating Charlie Harper walked up to the front door of the beach house, and a piano was dropped on him.
Fans of the show were disappointed that Sheen did not show up in the episode, but now the actor is claiming that he was there the whole time.
“I played Berta in the finale!” Sheen declared. “That was me in a fat suit and heavy makeup. Why do you think her character got so much screen time?”
The character of Berta, played by Conchata Ferrell, was the wisecracking, pot smoking housekeeper who always had a soft spot for Charlie and a burning hatred for Jon Cryer’s Alan. Like Alan, she was there at the beach house until the very end.
“Except it was me, not Conchata, smoking that cigar with Jon and the other guy out on the deck,” Sheen insisted. “The fact that no one has any idea it was me, is a testament to my incredible acting skills. Winning!”
This Modern Philosopher could not get anyone involved with Two and a Half Men to confirm that Sheen played Berta.
“Of course they’re not going to confirm it,” Sheen explained as he waved his hands wildly in the air. “That’s all part of the conceit. If they acknowledge that I pulled off one of the greatest surprises in TV finale history, then the spotlight turns to me. That’s the last thing Chuck Lorre and his minions want right now.”
I checked with CBS, and no one at the network would confirm Sheen’s story. “I wish we could,” a CBS spokesperson told me, “because then we could run the show again and get even better ratings.”
A guard at the front gate on the studio lot informed me that security personnel has strict orders to never let Sheen onto the lot or anywhere near Chuck Lorre, Jon Cryer, or Ashton Kutcher. “There is no way that Mr. Sheen was on the lot during the taping of the Two and a Half Man finale,” he stated. “Security was tripled for the event, and we were told to detain any white male in a bowling shirt just in case.”
Michael Richards, best known for playing Kramer on Seinfeld, was caught up in the security net when he tried to attend the taping. “I was profiled for my fashion choices!” Kramer wailed as he pointed at his loud shirt. “It’s not even a bowling shirt, but I guess the security guards didn’t want to take any chances!”
“I know I was there inside of Berta!” Sheen told me defiantly. “Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.”
All I know for sure, Modern Philosophers is that Two and a Half Men is finally off the air. Winning!