Snow Miser Rides Into Bangor Atop A Woolly Mammoth

DSC_0017Like a conquering king, Snow Miser rode down Broadway in Bangor atop a woolly mammoth this afternoon, Modern Philosophers.

“The New Ice Age has arrived!” Snow Miser screamed as he hurled snowballs at stunned Mainers, who had no idea how to react to the sight.  “This Winter shall never end.  Bow to me now, and you show be spared a frigid and torturous death.”

Even if the witnesses to this shocking event had been able to snap out of their shock at the sight of the prehistoric beast marching down the city’s busiest street, they would never have been able to do anything to harm Snow Miser.

The evil snow nymph was trailed by his homicidal bodyguards, The Four Snowmen of the Apocalypse, and the gray afternoon sky was further darkened by a flock of Snow Miser’s lethal Snow Birds.

An evil worse than anything Stephen King could ever have imagined has come to Bangor, Modern Philosophers, and there appears to be no way to stop it.

Snow MiserSnow Miser cackled with glee as his woolly mammoth crushed cars, knocked down traffic lights, and defecated in the snow.

“March will not go out like a lamb,” he promised as he passed the Broadway McDonald’s, which only months before had been Mayor McCheese’s de facto Bangor campaign headquarters.  “You all, however, will march on like lambs to the slaughter!”

At that point, the Snow Birds dove at the crowd, causing absolute mayhem in the streets.  People ran screaming in all directions, cars collided, and businesses turned off their lights in hopes of not attracting the winged beasts.

By the time Bangor Police arrived on the scene, Snow Miser was long gone.  In his wake, he’d left a terrified, shivering public and the promise of worse weather to come.

According to Stormy McBlizzardton at the WBRR TV Weather Desk, the temperature is going to dip down to -15 degrees overnight, but gusting winds will make it feel like 30 degrees below zero!

“The New Ice Age is definitely here,” McBlizzardton confirmed for this Modern Philosopher as he stared at the Doppler Radar in his Weather Command Center.  “This will definitely go down as the coldest month in Maine’s history, and I don’t think March is going to be any better.”

lighthouseA woolly mammoth was just strolling down Broadway, Stormy.  We understand that we are totally screwed in this, Snow Miser’s Winter of Our Discontent.

I can feel my Post Traumatic Snow Disorder acting up, Modern Philosophers.  I think I might curl up in my freezer and sleep there tonight to stay warm…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to Snow Miser Rides Into Bangor Atop A Woolly Mammoth

  1. markbialczak says:

    I am shivering in my wet shoes, Austin, even though I have been trading off my two pair of weather resistant mocs faithfully for shoveling duties … Snow Miser’s path of wrath has been so wide this winter. His globe of frozen is five states large in our northeast corner.

  2. aladywrites4u says:

    Run, run somewhere warm and snugly like Antarctica maybe

  3. Ohhh did the Woolly Mammoth cause those breaks in the ice on the river? Maybe that’s what escaped…

  4. I really, really, really liked it in Maine. Really. But that was on the honeymoon in June. I’ll just take my six inches of N.C. snow with a smile.

    It’s a shame you can’t burn snow to stay warm.

  5. Pamela Edwards says:

    This Winter stinks , so ready for it to be gone ! Hang tough Austin !

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