You Don’t Always Go In A Hand Basket

bad date“I noticed you’re trying online dating again,” The Devil informed me as he materialized in the doorway to my living room.

I hated when he just appeared.  It was bad enough that he constantly showed up at The House on the Hill unannounced, but the least he could do was knock on the front door like any other unwanted house guest.

I closed my laptop and stared at him.  It pissed me off that Lucifer was so damn handsome and impeccably dressed when he took human form.  It just didn’t seem fair.

“So what if I am?” I mumbled, the writer proving that he was a true master of words.

“I would be more than happy to help you with the ladies, ” he offered as he strode across the room to his end of the couch.  “And before you get all huffy, I’m not going to ask for your soul in return.  My line of work puts me in contact with plenty of single women, who would do almost anything to meet a great guy like you.”

I studied The Prince of Darkness, wondering if he was yanking my chain or truly trying to play Cupid.  “You’d take their souls just for a date with me?”

Satan laughed like I’ve never heard him laugh before, and I had a sudden desire to snatch his pitchfork and poke him with it.  Repeatedly and with great anger.

Devil“You’re a catch, but not one worthy of eternal damnation,” The Devil finally said once he had stopped laughing and wiped the tears from his eyes with his handkerchief.  “If I introduce them to a nice guy like you and they have a good time, then they will be much more inclined to trust me and do business.”

“So I’d be Satan’s wingman?” I asked as I yanked a Snapple out of the cooler and quite intentionally did not offer one to my guest.

“I guess that would be the case, but wouldn’t I be your wingman since I was hooking you up with a date?” he asked as he grabbed a Snapple of his own.

I simply rolled my eyes.  Lucifer had a tendency to corrupt my Deep Thoughts.  Evil worked in so many ways.

“I’m not a fan of dating websites, but I’ve pestered my friends to set me up to no avail, I’m not a hanging out at a bar to pick up women kind of guy, and I don’t see anyone lining up at my door to date me,” I grumbled in frustration.  “I’m lonely.  Being single is Hell for a hopeless romantic.”

The Prince of Darkness put down his Snapple and applauded.  I gave him a dirty look, but he continued to clap in spite of it.

“You finally got that?” The Devil asked incredulously.  “I only showed up in your life after The Girl Who Got Away left, and you are just now grasping that being single is Hell?”

He looked at me with the eyes of someone who had just discovered that I was not nearly as intelligent as he had thought.

“Wait…you’re saying that your constant presence is directly connected with The Girl Who Owns My Heart leaving for grad school?”

“Charlie, tell him what he’s won!” Lucifer announced in his best game show host’s voice as he grabbed his Snapple off the table and took a long sip.  “Yes, Austin, my arriving at The House on the Hill is related to her departure.  This is your Hell on Earth.  Of course, I didn’t expect to actually enjoy your company, but it is what it is.”

heart-snow“I don’t understand,” I muttered as my melting brain oozing out of both ears.  “What exactly are you saying?”

“She was the one, Genius,” The Prince of Darkness broke the news with a smirk and a half hearted pat on the shoulder.  “She was your soul mate, the love of your life.  You let her get away without locking her down first.  Why the Hell didn’t you ask her to marry you before she left?”

Suddenly I was completely furious.  He had no right saying those things or asking that particular question.  “Because I knew she had three demanding years of school ahead of her, and the last thing she needed was a marriage proposal hanging over her head,” I growled at The Devil and could almost feel the horns forming on my forehead.

“You certainly were very selfless,” he said sincerely.  “You encouraged her to chase her dreams, you pushed her to go to a school far away knowing that there was a chance you’d lose her, and you didn’t burden her with a proposal before you left.  You did everything she needed you to do.  You loved someone and set her free.”

“And that’s why I’m in this living Hell now, right?” I asked even though I knew the answer.

Lucifer nodded.  “There is a silver lining, you know.”

My eyes probably would’ve popped out of my head had my glasses not been there to hold them in place.  “Pray tell what is that?”

“You were able to get a woman who looks like a super model, has the brains to be a doctor, and is substantially younger than you to fall in love with you,” he pointed out.  “That proves that miracles happen.  If that’s the case, there’s still a chance that we can find someone amazing for you.”

Austin JunoI wanted to be angry, but he had a point.  The Girl Who Moved Away was way out of my league and I had no business asking her out, but somehow she fell in love with me.

“You still want to help me with dating?” I asked.

“I have to be here seeing as how dating is Hell, so I might as well make myself useful,” he replied.

We tapped our bottles in a toast.  I was in Hell, and it was much colder than I imagined it would be.  At least there was Snapple.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to You Don’t Always Go In A Hand Basket

  1. floridaborne says:

    Sometimes a woman doesn’t appreciate the man who loved her until she has a chance to see what’s out there. I’ve known of couples who parted, rekindled their love a decade or more later and were married over 50 years.

    The best way to know is to move forward and see what happens when the-girl-you-love sees her competition. 🙂

  2. aladywrites4u says:

    (hugs) Sighhh, I feel for anyone out there in the craziness of the dating world. I only date friends, keeps things nice and simple.

  3. Oh boy. Lucifer has you caught and you don’t even know it. Good luck with your mutual business dealings. 😮

  4. LucyJartz says:

    “How can I possibly go wrong dating with Satan as my wingman?”, and he smiled that naive sideways emoticon smile that got all round and yellow when he posted it.

  5. This is exactly what I needed on a Monday. Hilarious! I think I’m probably in Dating Hell too, but at least I’m not alone. In my Hell, there is coffee, so it’s not too bad. 😉

  6. markbialczak says:

    Seems to be working already, Austin.

  7. Pamela Edwards says:

    Good Luck with that Austin , it could get a little hot lol ! 😈

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